Sunday, November 20, 2011


Originally posted on Live Journal: Suburban Eschatology Part Two (March 2, 2011 11:53 AM)

Note:  November 20, 2011, 6:55 PM
Been working on tweaking and changing some of the tools I use to post, and the new method makes it very easy to migrate posts from one blog to another.  Eventually, I would like to move everything over here from the old LJ blog, but that is not a huge priority right now.
However, working on the system for doing that, I did want to move a few over tonight.  I posted a couple on their original publication date and posted a few for tonight.
In the future, I will probably just sneak most of them in behind the current posts on their original date.
I will also be working on a couple years worth of posts that were pulled down off of Rubble when it was repurposed and never put up anywhere else, the new SE2 or the old.

It has been a crazy four months. Hell, it has been pretty crazy for the past 11 months. I think I have hit a bit of a slump in the last couple weeks. My endurance has been down since I had that nasty cold a couple weeks ago and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. Nothing major, though. I've just been moving at a slower pace for the last week and a half or so.   A slower pace, I fear, than life really allows right now, but it is what it is.

Not that I have been a couch potato by any means. In the last two weeks I've put around 850 miles on the car. And last week was, for me, a low mileage week. But I've just been having a hard time cramming 30 hour days into the 24 hour days we are given. I've been having to hit the pause button from time to time. I've been having to behave like a mortal. Damn it.


So I am doing things like today, taking a slow morning, watching some Daily Show clips and writing a bit. Later on I need to go check in with a charitable organization about getting my power bill paid before it is shut off.   Then I need to go visit a friend at the VA who is dying from cancer.   Vague plans have also been made involving grocery runs store and helping a friend pick up some of his things from his ex-girlfriend's place. I suspect that only one of these chores, the most important, will be accomplished today. Yesterday, tomorrow and Friday were and are set aside for Beaverton family issues. Those runs tend to fill most of my day up by the time I drive out and back.   It is not, by any means, a slow week, but it is only Wednesday morning and I already feel like this week is a wash when it comes to other, critical tasks that I need to accomplish.


But the main thing I need to accomplish in life right now is getting back to work. And in this area, my efforts have been severely lacking. I can blame family issues, internet issues, and other fires that have needed attention before commencing with a full time job search, but I do not feel that these excuses really explain my slacking in this department. Life has been busy, and my endurance has been low, and my access to the internet has been limited during my "free" time, but this is a crucial task that I need to get started on.


I've been feeling a bit frustrated and down the last couple weeks, and I know that not starting the job hunt is the main reason. I feel a bit stalled in life. Until I returned from California, of course, the time just wasn't yet right for me to return to work, but now it is. It is the vital next step in getting my life put back together after the health issues that derailed me for two years. It is also, after a month of reviewing the difficult family situation, where I can help there the most. Once I get back to work I will have the ability to make longer term plans with the family and I will, hopefully, have a little bit of cash to help out here and there and to get the boys out and about more.


At this point, I am really not even looking at getting started on this project until the weekend, but at that point, it really needs to become the top priority in life. This may mean being less available to the family for awhile, at least until I get really entrenched in this project, but I need to make it happen.


Still, I cannot beat myself up about taking so long to get started on this. I knew, when I returned from California, that it would probably take two or three weeks to get started on this new phase in my life, and, at this point, halfway through my fourth week home, I suppose I am only a few days behind my original schedule. What a sin. Still, life has been so busy that it feels like I have been back a lot longer than I really have been and that I am further behind schedule than I really am.


And the "distractions" I have been dealing with since my return have been pretty major, and there have been some solid accomplishments. While I feel that the situation with the family is still pretty bad, I do feel that I have been able to put together a clear view of what is going on over there and to come up with a solid definition of what my role can be moving forward there. It is a difficult role, relying more on inaction rather than action, but after much prayer, meditation and talk with others, I feel it is the healthiest for me and for the family. I need to focus on making my home the healthiest it can be for when the boys are with me, and I can help out over there when and how I am asked, and that is just about it.


Another big change in life is that, last week, I picked up a, so far, part-time, temporary roommate. This has been a very good situation for both of us. He is a fellow that I've been working with in the recovery community and, to this point, this new arrangement has been working out very well for both of us (for me, at least, I hope he feels the same). He has been helping me get caught up on a couple chores, helping out with some expenses where he can, and just having someone around helps keep me focused on life. The latter is huge. It will probably be another week before we look at how to work the boys into this situation but, for right now, I feel this is only a temporary delay in our weekends and the benefits, for me, perhaps selfishly, out weigh the cost of this two week interruption with the boys. Essentially, when it comes down to it, I cannot afford this place completely on my own right now, and it has come time to accept that I need some more help, even if it is slight, if I want to continue living here. God provided.


So, life is moving in the right directions. My return from California marked a huge transition between phases of life for me. While transitions can be touchy areas in my life, this one has been a good one and the new shape of life that is emerging is a very good one. It is still a work in progress, of course, but life always is, at least if we are growing. And if we are not growing we are dying.


It is time for another small transition in life. I do feel like, after three and a half weeks, that I am settled back into home now. I've settled into the family situation in Beaverton and I've settled back into my roles in the local recovery community. The foundations are laid and are solid. So now it is time to move ahead into Phase IV of my plan to take over the world, so to speak. It is time to get back to work. And with the work I have done since my return, I feel like I am in a really strong place as I move forward into this next phase of my life.


Now, if I could only figure out how to squeeze another six to eight hours out of every day...


Of course, I just got a call that Jason needs to be picked up from school and Jenna is not available, so today just got a bit fuller...

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