Showing posts with label Self-indulgent navel gazing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-indulgent navel gazing. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Hello, 2014...
No New Years memes or themes, no long navel gazing blog posts this year... It was a good and successful year, but a hard one, a very hard one. Pretty much looking forward to continuing successes in 2014, hopefully a bit of an easier pace, and that is about it.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
NaNoWriMo 2013: The Plan
November 2 and my word count is zero. Yep.
And I’ve been planning on writing a blog post about NaNoWriMo 2013 for about a week now…
Well, we all have to start somewhere.
In a sense, though, I have started because I am taking the rebel route this year and finishing the book I started last year instead of starting a new one. Because of this, I am not going for a “win” this year with 50,000 words.
And I am not even setting a goal of finishing my book.
So why even “participate” if I am not really participating, if I am not even setting any goals?
Because, to me, one of the primary purposes of NaNoWriMo is that it gives aspiring writers a framework to build solid writing habits, and this is something I am in terrible need of this year.
I’ve been a professional writer for years, but it has been technical writing. Honestly, I find it difficult to even call that writing. Most of what I do in that field is layout design, photography, and cutting and pasting. But I’ve always considered myself a writer, it’s just been many, many years since I’ve actually done any real writing.
Last year, during my first NaNoWriMo, I finally felt like I was coming home to the craft I’d been neglecting for far too long. I was writing fiction for the first time in over a decade and I was writing a lot and almost every day. I was building all those good habits I’d been neglecting for so long: daily work, writing even if I wasn’t in the mood, working through blocks and deadspots, staring down the smug cold stare of the blank page and making it my bitch…
It felt good. And the community of writers online, who were all in the same place I was, going through the same things I was going through, added just enough encouragement to get through the tough spots. Writing is usually a very solo and sometimes lonely art, and I loved the community feel that NaNoWriMo (especially the Portland Facebook Group) brought to the experience.
In 2012, things went great. I jammed through my 50K and finished somewhere in the mid-60s. I didn’t finish the book, which was a goal, but it was firing along nicely and I was still working. Then, in mid-December, the next big project came along and I had to set the novel aside for while, but I was fired up and knew that I’d pick it up again, soon.
Then another project, then another project…
In the spring, I decided it was time to get back to work. My break had been long enough that continuity was going to be an issue, so I was going to use NaNoEdMo (Novel Editing Month) in March to re-familiarize myself with the draft so far and get some red inking in to prepare for Camp NaNoWriMo in April… Life got busy, more photography and video projects came rolling through… No editing, no writing… Not even any reading.
And now it is November again, and here I am.
So I will be a renegade in 2013. I will participate this year, but I will have different goals, and the primary one is to build better writing habits that are sustainable while working on other projects. Because of this, I do not want to drop everything and jam through to 50K or even just the end of the book, if that is (hopefully) closer than 50K words away.
I fear that if I set that goal and saw that it was unattainable that I would just bail on November entirely, like I did last Spring when things got busy, and that is exactly the opposite of what I want to do this year.
I also cannot drop everything for one project, and with the heavy demands of my family on my time (I am something like the on-site, full time social worker for my extended family, a role that is my “day job” right now), I need to work on making writing a part of my life most days, not just for insane spurts a couple months out of the year. So even if I could drop everything for a mad NaNoWriMo rush, doing so runs counter to my goals.
A few days back, while trying to find time (see, that is the issue I am trying to fix here) to write this post, an old friend of mine, Mia Marshal posted a great post on NaNoWriMo, about what it has meant to her and on why she is not participating this year.
In essence, Mia explains that “NaNoWriMo… taught me what it means to be a writer.” It taught her the discipline one needs and it gave her the tools she needs and the experience she needs to be a full time, professional writer. However, for her, because she has learned these lessons, now she is in a great place where:
…what I used to call NaNoWriMo, I now just call writing. At some point in the last two years, 50,000 words a month became my new normal, and it’s why I now call myself a writer.
Recently, I found myself in the mind blowing position where I needed to get some business cards printed up for my photography and video work. Not because I wanted them, but because people kept asking me for one. However, at the end of the day, I still consider myself a writer first, so I put that on my new cards, as well.
But Mia boils it down to the brass tacks. I can call myself a writer all day long, and I can consider myself a writer, because I used to do that thing and because I want to do that thing again. But until I can make NaNoWriMo every month, and not a crazy, burn everything except for writing experience but a natural, intergral part of what I do most days, then it doesn’t matter what is on my card or in my heart, because I am not doing the thing that I am claiming to do.
So my goal for NaNoWriMo 2013 is not a word count. My goal this year is to develop the discipline and tools I need to make writing a regular habit, a near daily part of my life, whether or not it is writing 1,667 words per day or not. And yes, I do want to finish last year’s book. But, if I succeed in my goal, it doesn’t matter if I finish it by the end of November or not, because I will finish it. And I will edit and rewrite. And I will start working on the next one after that.
A few years ago I started posting a Photo of the Day on Rubble. I stopped doing that a little over a year ago, because I felt that I’d achieved my goals with that project, which was forcing myself to work on photography every day.
As I wrote when I ended the Photo of the Day:
When I first started the POTD on February 13, 2011, I was in a very different place in life than I am right now. I was in a rebuilding phase and, as a part of that rebuilding, I wanted to put more focus on photography as I moved ahead in life.
Well, if the main goal of the project was to inspire me to take more photos, that is a mission accomplished.
Beyond accomplishing the goal of taking more photos, it also made me a better photographer. When I started the POTD project in early 2011 I was someone who enjoyed taking pictures. Almost three years later, I am going pro, and a big part of that is because I work on it every day in one way or another. At this point, I don’t need an artifical framework to force myself to do this. It now just who I am and what I do.
Starting a similar process with my fiction writing? That is my goal for NaNoWriMo 2013.
It is November 2 and I still haven’t re-read my draft from last year, so that is where I am starting. Organizing my notes and re-reading the existing draft. After that, I’ll either continue working towards finishing that draft, or I’ll start a complete re-write, depending on what I find over the next few days. Either way, it will be a little time before I break zero on my word count.
But this is good. Because I am doing it and not just thinking about it. It’s been too long since I’ve been doing and not just thinking about it, and I look forwards to getting to know my characters again. I’ve been away from them for far too long and, I promise, it will be different this time!
A Bookkeeping Note…
For the last year or two, I was posting these sorts of posts on my Rubble blog. However, over time my plans for these blogs have changed and evolved. At one point, Rubble was going to be my blog for all things arts oriented and this was going to be my blog for personal stuff, whether it was posts about family oriented issues, pictures of the kids, or just self-indulgent navel gazing.
I suppose that over the last year, I’ve come to realize that posts like this one are probably more in the self-indulgent navel gazing category rather than in the arts category.
Well, that may be a bit harsh. But as my artistic and professional life has evolved over the last year or so, so has my plans for these blogs. I was originally going to write a series of articles on my son’s special needs and dealing with life with a son with ASD and other such things for this blog, but I really don’t have the time now to do such a thing (oh, and it also turns out that ASD was a mis-diagnosis).
So one reason to move these posts from Rubble to SE2 is so I’ll actually have stuff to post here! But still, they are more personal and I want to, from here on, at least, keep Rubble for other sorts of less personal posts.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Moving Day
Moving day. I've been in this place for just under nine years and I expected that today would feel a little bittersweet, but no. I am ready to move on. The shape of my life has changed so much that it just does not fit here anymore. Still, for the most part, I will think back fondly on this place where I've raised my kids, got sober, and rediscovered myself in so many ways. But it is time to move on.
This is the start of the end of a process that started last November, and in a few weeks it will be done. That will be a huge relief!
We are doing a rolling move. Mom's stuff is arriving late next week, so I want to get the apartment cleared by then, and the storage space, and have all of that stuff sorted and set up before then. Then we'll get mom's stuff set up before receiving Jenna's stuff...
So there is a lot of work ahead. I hope to have all of everyone else's stuff that is in the apartment in the house by the time I go to bed tonight. My stuff? Well, I have a lot of packing still to do, but once the rest of the apartment is clear, I can knock my room and storage closet out in a couple days. Really, even with the storage space, I was running out of room to store packed items, so I've just left it for when I can just pack and move all at once.
Some long days ahead, but it is good work and when it is done, I really feel like I can start moving ahead with some parts of life that have been neglected while this six month process has been progressing.
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Friday, January 4, 2013
2012 in 40 Questions: A “Meme”tastic New Year
I usually do not do this, but what the hell. I’ve been wanting to write something about the transition from one arbitrary set of days to the next arbitrary set of days, and this meme provides as good of a format as anything…
I stole the questions from a friend’s blog. Don’t know where she got them from.
2012 was a complicated year. Maybe a meme is what I need to help make sense of it.
This gets right to the meat and bones of how 2012 will go down in the books…
Families are complicated these days, and instead of having just two parents, this number can range from one to many. For me, there are four, though my mother and father both married their current spouses after I was grown, so I tend to refer to them as my parents’ husband and wife as opposed to “stepparents.”
However, I’ve been fearing the day when one of the “big four” would pass, having just buried the last of my grandparents a couple years back…
On November 8, my mother’s husband Mario passed. While he was still more of my mother’s husband than my stepfather, his passing is in the process of completely re-arranging my world.
I’ve been fearing having to make funeral arrangements for anyone, no longer... I’ve been fearing “what to do” with mom or dad when the time came when they could no longer live on their own, no longer…
A lot of firsts are wrapped up in this event.
2 Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Yes and No.
I wanted to make further strides towards becoming a “professional” photographer & writer in fields outside of Technical Writing, and life was too complicated this year to do much towards pursing this goal, other than just taking a lot of pictures. This is a goal that will continue in 2013.
This time last year my number one goal was to try to get a gallery showing (okay, some pictures on a coffeehouse or bar wall) by the end of the year. Not even close.
However, I did get two-thirds the way through draft of a novel, and that ain’t nothing. If life had gone according to plan, that draft would have been finished by January 1, 2013.
These sorts of things are more goal than resolutions, but resolutions are not something I really do. Daily resolutions are more my pace, since life in recovery is lived, in this sense, one day at a time.
3 Did anyone close to you give birth?
Since I have to pause and think before answering this question, I will say no.
4 Did anyone close to you die?
Yes.
5 What countries did you visit?
Only my own.
6 What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
The space and time to not only develop some more serious career goals but to actually have the space and time to pursue them.
7 What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 8. See many of my other answers here.
8 What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Seeing the progress my children have made towards overcoming their issues since I got custody in 2011.
9 What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to help the boys’ mother progress further towards overcoming some of her issues.
10 Did you suffer illness or injury?
Other than a pesky strained ankle that bugged me from the spring through the end of the summer until I got off my feet a bit and let it heal, no. Thank God!
11 What was the best thing you bought?
While I received some amazing gifts this year, I bought very little for myself outside of a few books about once every three months. Probably a subscription to flikr PRO would be the most rewarding and productive “purchase” of the year.
12 Whose behavior merited celebration?
My children have been remarkable this year.
13 Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The Congressional Republicans? The news media? Of course. On a more personal front, I would rather not go there. I truly believe that everyone in my life has been trying to do the best they can, though mileage has varied.
14 Where did most of your money go?
Money?
15 What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Watching my boys really come together in 2012. Specifically, the big one seeing some real, independent success in school and the little one making new friends where ever he goes.
Of course, the opportunities brought about by having reliable transportation after a nearly year of busing, biking, and walking and from the DSLR I received for my birthday/Christmas are up there too. Finding out about the Adobe Cloud (which gives me all the software I’ll need for my 2013 goals at a price even I can afford) ranks pretty highly, as well.
16 What song will always remind you of 2012?
Really, this is hard to answer right now. It will be interesting to see what songs take me back to this period of my life in the future.
Probably anything by Murder By Death, O’Death, Ha Ha Tonka, and Kelly Hogan’s I Like To Keep Myself In Pain will be taking me back to the 2011 / 2012 period years from now.
But, if I have to pick one song, “Society” by Eddie Vedder will probably be the song I associate the most with 2012. Partially because I am using it in my One Day On Earth video, so I am hearing it a lot right now, but mostly because of the lyrics.
This song reflects a lot of what I have learned about myself in 2012. A lot about how my perceptions of what I need and want from the world have changed this year. How my perceptions about where I am in life and where I am heading in life have changed over the last 12 months or so.
It is the song I used in this video.
One Day On Earth: 12.12.12 - Stills I: What I Have & What I Need from A. F. Litt on Vimeo.
17 Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
This is a difficult question. There is a lot of sorrow right now, and a lot of fear due to some major changes taking place in my life, re-defining my life, but I would say that, underneath it all, I am happier.
I am more content and I am more secure about who I am, what I am doing in life, and where I am going in life and, really, who could ask for more?
So, happier, I would say, though this is a difficult and sad time.
ii. thinner or fatter?Easy one, thinner. Though that may not be the case if I don’t start getting some more exercise soon.
iii. richer or poorer?Spiritually, I am much richer. Financially, about the same.
18 What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I had the time and energy to work more with the boys’ mother and to help her find a more content place in her own life.
And more camping and hiking. Always. But I got as much in as circumstances would allow in 2012.
19 What do you wish you'd done less of?
Staring at screens in unproductive ways. Mostly this would have been last winter. It took awhile for me to figure out what I wanted to be doing with this time in my life and spending my “free time” trying to drive up hits on my websites was not the best use of my time, though I re-oriented away from this fairly early in 2012.
20 How will you be spending Christmas?
Past tense, now. Not in any way I could have foreseen before November 8. I had hoped to spend Christmas with all of my family in California celebrating a hell of a lot of successes since my last trip down here in 2010 / 2011.
Unfortunately, aside from my geographical location, this Christmas couldn’t have been more opposite from that and it was not a pleasant day.
xMass 2012: Fair Oaks, California from A. F. Litt on Vimeo.
22 Did you fall in love in 2012?
No. Not even close.
23 How many one-night stands?
Huh?
24 What was your favorite TV program?
Firefly. It and Lost were the only two shows I took any time to watch this year and I really enjoyed both of them, though Firefly wins by a nudge. Of course, they were only new to me.
25 Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. I don’t have the time for that crap.
26 What was the best book you read?
I re-discovered Faulkner and loved every second I spent reading the Snopes Trilogy in 2012 (though I am still finishing the third novel, The Mansion).
27 What was your greatest musical discovery?
Easily Ha Ha Tonka. Never heard of them before they opened up for Murder By Death this summer.
28 What did you want and get?
Most everything I needed. Really. I am not kidding, even in a materialistic sense. I was very blessed in this way this year.
29 What did you want and not get?
Well, I still need a new external hard drive, though access to my mother’s laptop has mitigated this need temporarily. Other than that, nothing comes to mind.
30 What was your favorite film of this year?
I will say The Hobbit though I have yet to see it yet. Just the fact that it exists is enough for me.
This was not a big year for movies for me and, after the Dark Night shootings, my interest in going to the theater really evaporated. Strange, for me. Such things usually do not affect me like that. Finances were also an issue for most of the year and contributed quite a bit to this gap.
Oh, and I might have been one of the only people in the world to have given John Carter a fair shot and I enjoyed the hell out of it.
31 What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 40 and had a very nice day taking pictures and exploring the country outside of Sacramento before spending a great evening with an old friend.
I suppose I am fortunate that I got all of the turning 40 angst out of my system last year when I turned 39.
32 What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If the boys’ mother had been able to make a bit more progress towards her treatment goals.
33 How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Huh?
34 What kept you sane?
Faith. Period. Though photography and writing helped a lot. It was nice adding the writing to the mix for the first time in years.
35 Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Really?
36 What political issue stirred you the most?
Of course the presidential election had me the most fired up, but the most moving issue for me was to see that Gay Rights are becoming accepted by a majority of Americans. It is abhorrent to me to see my LGBT friends not being treated as equals in the U.S.
There is still a long way to go with these issues, but I really believe that 2012 will be seen as the year when the tide irrevocably turned on LGBT rights.
37 Who did you miss?
Mario and, while I am away helping mom through this time, my children.
38 Best new person you met?
A great community of local Portland writers in the NaNo Portland Facebook group.
In “real” life, though I did not technically meet them this year, I gained a couple of good, new friends in the faith and recovery communities and I look forward to building those friendships more in 2013.
39 Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.
It is not a lesson I learned this year, but it was re-affirmed in some powerful ways... Faith can get us through anything.
40 Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
No.
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Monday, December 24, 2012
a life full of changes… christmas 2012
My brain is all over the place this morning. It is Christmas Eve and that kind of sucks this year. I am very far from my children and will miss spending the day with them tomorrow. Sure, I am down in California taking care of my mother, but I miss them. We’d hoped to make it up there for Christmas but that just didn’t work this year.
We should be out of here in a couple weeks. Time to get to work, time to get this show on the road. A lot of hard work has been done, a lot of hard work remains to be done, and then, once we get mom moved out of here, we have another move to organize up north. Moving from our too small apartment to a location as yet to be determined.
There is a lot of work ahead.
I’ve been a little in denial about Christmas. Last night mom suggested setting up the small tree, and my first reaction was that I did not want to do that. But I thought about it for a few and decided that it wouldn’t hurt. It is not a very festive holiday down here, considering everything going on, but I think it did help, setting up the little tree.
Obviously, this is not the holiday we’d hoped for this year. Instead of having everyone together down here, which was the original plan a couple months ago, we are separated. And we’ve lost someone. It is not a happy holiday this year. I am in the house I wanted to be in this year, but without the people I wanted to spend Christmas with. Of course, mom is here, but I am sure she feels quite the same as I, and much worse considering her loss.
Turned 40 a few days ago, the day before the world was supposed to end. Funny how things work. Not a huge deal, I think I had my freak out last year when I turned 39. That was the year I went through the “OhmahGodIamALMOSTFORTYandIhavedoneNOTHINGwithmyLIFE!” fit.
I am pretty grateful about where I am in life, this year. I have the time and opportunity to take care of my family through some difficult times, and I can see light on the horizon, I can start to sense where, when, and how all of this work over the last couple years will pay off.
But I can still get a little bitter from time to time.
Earlier this morning I was reading about a 20 year old photographer on flikr who started a Photo of the Day project a little over three hundred days ago and has turned it into his full time career in under a year. Brat. Then I remembered, 20 year olds have a lot more time to work on Art than 40 year olds with a family in seemingly perpetual crisis. He probably also has a “real” camera.
His life is also scaled a little differently than mine. He was able to walk away from his day job delivering pizzas. If I do not return to my old career when this phase of my life is over, I will be walking away from quite a bit more than pizza delivery…
I have to also remember that photography has not been my career goal the last couple years. I may have been able to find such small success if I had been able to invest more time and effort into the art, but the main thing photography has done the last couple years for me is to keep my sanity intact through everything.
Pictures are small, bite sized things that did not distract me from my family (too much); small projects masqueraded for the most part as hikes for sanity and exercise, outings and vacations with the boys, etc. And, unlike writing, I can edit photos and videos surrounded by family chaos and not need to be alone, isolated in my room away from everyone and everything.
Yes, I would like to start making some money from those efforts, but that is still in the future for me. I do see myself hanging that shingle out in 2013, though. I was looking at a photographer’s website earlier today who specializes in family portraits and started thinking, yes, I could do that.
But I need to get a “real” camera first. Realistically, it doesn’t make much difference as far as the photos go, but it is everything when it comes to “Professional Appearance.” If I show up at someone’s home with my little Powershot and want to charge them hundreds of dollars… Well, it’s really about the time, talent, and 30 years of experience, not about the camera, but most people don’t understand that.
So, while dealing with the moving and the everything, I need to be looking to get a better camera running, and I need a little time to really consider what my photography goals for 2013 are before I make any decisions there.
To be honest, the camera I want is not a professional looking DSLR, and it would be, perhaps, even better than a DSLR for what I use my camera for most, at this point. However, if I really want to start generating some income, I may have to upgrade to a DSLR.
Of course, I could always go with a sneaky little Plan B that has lurked in the back of my mind for years. Just get a new lens for my old but awesome Minolta film SLR and use it as a stunt camera, an accessory worn around my neck, and then just use my little digitals to actually shoot. Or I could even go back to film. Or…
Or I could take the time to actually put a plan together and implement it.
This is where I am really feeling it this year. Time. I have too little. I need more. All I really want for Christmas is 36 hours in each day.
I need time to sit down and put a business plan together. I need time to sit down and figure out what I want to be when I grow up and the family’s perpetual crisis is finally as resolved as it will ever be (hopefully a few months after all the moving is done).
But these are enigmatic things, I also need time to edit my One Day On Earth videos, I need time to select some photos for some contests with end of the year deadlines (and not get distracted by editing everything in the batch looking for hidden treasures)… I need time to finish my novel, to revise it, to plug into the Portland writing community so I can workshop it…
I need time to pursue all of these things, which, when put together, should add up to something that looks pretty damn close to a self supporting career.
Bite sized chunks. Right now, I’ve got my priorities. Work on the contest photos (in a more focused manner than yesterday), work on the videos… I have less than a week for the former and 19 days to get my videos uploaded.
Then, when those things are done, I can return to the novel and get the first draft completed. Until then, all the writing goals are pretty much beyond my reach.
Even those tasks are secondary, though. What I really need the time, focus and energy for right now is with shepherding my family through two moves in two months.
When mom and I finally get out of here, and when we get settled into a house up in Oregon, then I may have time to really settle down and to take a look at 2013 goals. Until then, well, there are time critical tasks that just need to be knocked down.
But it feels chaotic, and I hate that. It is bugging me. And it is Christmas and my family is broken this year and that is dragging me down a bit, making the chaos feel even more obnoxious, distracting and confusing. Overwhelming.
And I am really feeling like all the time I have spent writing, filming, and editing the last couple months is wasted time. Time spent on hobbies, not on “real” things, distracting me from the very real job I have of getting my mother and children into a healthy, stable environment as quickly as possible.
Of course, these artistic projects are not “hobbies” but part of the foundation I am trying to lay to build the rest of my life on, to build a real career on once my family’s immediate demands on my time are lessened and I can actually pursue a career once again. So they are important tasks. But they do not come with immediate rewards.
These are not easy weeks in our lives.
The end of 2012 was supposed to be a couple month long celebration of my family’s success the last couple years. I finally thought I would have the ability to take on larger projects- National Novel Writing Month and more complex videos for One Day On Earth. Then we’d all come down to mom’s for a really great Christmas with her and Mario.
2013 was supposed to start with a first draft completed, some well shot videos being finished up, the boys settled into school and doing well, and myself being in a place where I was really starting to work on the next stage of my life.
Instead, everything got a lot more complicated and darker on November 8, when my stepfather Mario unexpectedly passed away. The end of this year and the start of next year took a huge turn in a strange direction.
While still a period of transition, the changes are much more dramatic and the work is a lot harder than anything I’d been planning on.
Even the family pieces, the boys’ stability, school performance, etc… has been rocked by these events.
The Big One was pulling straight As and Bs the first term, this term he is heading into break with Cs and Ds. The next step, in early November, for The Little One was to be starting on getting him caught up academically, and truly determining what his best school placement will be at this stage in his life, which is going to still be the next step in January, when we get back up north, and will be a huge project to start while house hunting and moving out from out apartment.
So, that probably puts everything else I had planned for early 2013 on hold until the Spring, at least. Which is frustrating and discouraging.
But, and this is a huge but… These things are all good things for the family in the long run.
When we are set up in a house, when we are all settled in, the family should be in the most stable place it has been in for quite some time. We will come out of this transition period much stronger than we’ve ever been. It will be very good.
It has just turned out to be a harder, more complicated process getting through from here to there than I’d expected. And more painful. We’ve had a devastating loss. Because of that, it is difficult, in the moment, to see how this is all going to be good in the long run.
So tomorrow it is Christmas, whatever that will be for mom and I this year. Watch the kids open presents on Skype. Eat dinner later with some relatives. Miss my children. Miss Mario.
Forgive me if my enthusiasm and optimism has been waning a bit the last week or so. It will be back, but this is a hard time in our lives right now.
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Saturday, October 6, 2012
A simple time in my life..
Semi-quiet Saturday afternoon. My one day a week to sleep in, and I took it, paying the price of feeling behind all day for the luxury of a really good night’s sleep. There are never quite enough hours in the day…
It’s been a long time since I posted any words on this site. Probably a good thing, it means life has been quiet and good. Boring. And boring is good.
While we are still settling into the new structures of the new school year, life has taken on a distinct pattern. Get up, feed the kids, make sure they are getting ready, drive the little one to school, work on some personal, “workish” stuff for a few hours, work on boy issues or life issues for an hour or so, pick up the little one, supervise a dog walk when the big one gets home and review his homework for the day, cook dinner, hang with the family for a little bit, go to bed and read or work on some notes and outlines for the new novel for a bit, get some sleep…
Not every day goes like that, but most do. Right now, while the boys are in school I am focusing on editing the many, many photos from the last couple months and writing some short posts for Rubble. Once a week or so, I am trying to get out for a decent walk or short hike, especially since the weather is so nice, though I hope to continue this pattern even when the rainy season finally arrives.
Next month, I’ll be switching out the photography with even more writing. I am going to take a swing at NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month, or something like that). I’ve been wanting to try this for a couple years now, but this year I actually have an idea. Not the novel I’ve been researching and developing for the last ten (or twenty plus) years, but a new story set in the same universe. A smaller story. Perfect for a 50,000 word project pounded out in a month.
That is a rather intimidating project to be looking forward to, but I am excited about it too. And this is a perfect time in my life to do something like that.
Boys
Last year, too many days were filled with the boys issues. Just taking care of them and managing their needs was a full time plus job. This summer was even busier, with all the home schooling we did.
But it looks like that work paid off well. The big one is thriving this year. He still needs some extra supervision and guidance when it comes to school, but he is doing very well. Far exceeding my expectations, in fact. It’s paying off in his grades, too. His lowest grade is 88% right now, with about three or four weeks left in the first term.
The little one’s situation is a little more complicated. He is doing very well, but he has outgrown the program he is in, and it may take quite a bit of time and effort to place him into a new program that is a better fit for him right now. It is a complicated issue. His behavior problems are pretty well resolved and he is able to function in school again, but he is so far behind that just placing him back into a 4th grade class room full time is not really an option.
If we do that, he’ll be so lost and frustrated that the behavior problems would probably re-emerge, and quickly. Dealing with frustrating situations is still a struggle for him, and while he can handle normal day to day stuff well, plunging him into a situation where he is dealing with high levels of frustration all day, every day, well… It would be a terrible situation for anyone, and a recipe for disaster for him.
Next week we are having his first placement meeting for his new, Autism Spectrum IEP, and we will start addressing these issues in detail. Hopefully we can find a solution with the school district, but if not, we may be needing to home school him for a year or two until he is really caught up enough academically to succeed at grade level in a classroom environment.
We’ll try what ever solution we work out with the district for a while, but if it is not working, we need to stop before any real damage is done and try something new. So there is quite a bit of work on the horizon ahead when it comes to the little one’s issues.
Life
Once all the issues with the boys are resolved and both boys are settled in and thriving in their school environments, then it will be time to take a look at my life and to try to put together the next phase for myself, career wise, etc. Until then, though, I am happy to have a few hours here and there to work on some portfolio projects and to lay some foundations for when that time arrives.
Earlier today I was reading a blog post from an old friend of mine who’s life is following a similar pattern right now. Getting by with just enough to work on some “bigger picture” projects… Like me, she is making a lot of sacrifices so she can move ahead in life. For me, these sacrifices are being made for my children while, for her, they are being made for her career, but in the end, the daily patterns are surprisingly similar.
Today’s post was actually inspired by what I wrote in the comments to her blog post…
Sounds about like my life right now, except substitute photography for writing and managing the boys' special needs, treatment, and education for the editing...
However, it is also a relatively drama free life for me right now, so that is nice.
Next month, though, I plan on switching it up and replacing the photography with writing. Had a bit of an idea about six months ago and NaNoWriMo looks like a good excuse to pound out a rough draft, though it is also very intimidating...
Going through a similar phase of life, I find that focusing on why I've made the choices that have led me here and what I hope to gain from these choices help keep the "wouldn't it be nice if..." demons at bay, though they still sneak in from time to time.
But life is simple, and that is nice for right now. I have everything I need, if not everything I'd like to have, and that is a blessing, too.
Life won't be like this forever, and sometimes I wish it would hurry up and get to the next "phase," whatever that might be, but then I also have to stop and remember that there will be a lot I miss about my life right now when the next phase does arrive.
Just some thoughts that get me through when I start feeling restless.
For me, from time to time, the demons that get me, generally, orbit around the lack of gear and equipment I need to really, legitimately be pursuing a career involving photography…
If I had a better camera, better software, better computer, more money to get out and about to take photos of more interesting places, more money to put together prints and portfolios and websites so I can sell some stuff and, maybe, the material for prints so I can put a show together some place…
More time is the second demon. It takes a long time to get much done when over half my time is spent taking care of the family, but they are the reason why I have time to do anything at all now, so go figure…
However, after NaNoWriMo and after we get the next round of school district meetings and placements done with the little one, I do need to sit down and take some time, to make some time, if needed (late night coffee pots), and to really start working on the next phase…
First, figuring out what is next. Then working towards it. On the “workish” front, that means probably trying some crowdfunding for some sort of photography or photojournalism project. On the real work front, that means trying to figure out what comes next for real employment, regular paycheck type of work.
Of course, if I end up home schooling, then there will be little time for any of it. But that is all in the future, and for the next month or two, I am just doing what I can with the time and money I have to work with now.
I suppose the biggest demon for me right now is the feeling that I am reaching the limit of what I can do with the resources I have right now. The next steps, in the overall life goals department, will require some money. And for that, I need a job, which will greatly limit the time I have to work on those goals, which means that, literally, it may be years before I can take my photography work to the next level and start pursuing the professional career goals I have (more in the journalism area, less in the technical writing area)…
So that leads to feelings of stagnation and sucks my motivation. Yes, I can run around and take some half way decent pictures of this and that and write some little blog posts about here and there and entertain a handful of friends. But is the time I put into all of that really worth it? It it really any different than if I was just sitting around and playing video games all day between obligations involving the boys?
It is different, though. But it can be tough to stick with everything when the rewards feel so small right now.
This is why I am really looking forward to NaNoWriMo. Writing is something I need no additional gear for. I have everything I need. And regardless if I produce a publishable manuscript or not (obviously, additional drafts will be required after November’s), this is movement towards another career goal that I don’t need thousands of dollars to pursue.
Unfortunately, as I posted on Facebook the other day, writing fiction, even if I sell my book, isn’t a lucrative career for 99% of authors, not even one that pays a living wage. Other irons need to be in the fire along with the writing, other paychecks will need to be coming in. And all of that takes time…
But, at least, adding some creative writing into the mix should help break me out of the spiritual doldrums I fear are settling in. It should get me fired up again and help me to loose the feeling that is settling in, that I am beating my skull against a wall that is much harder than my head.
And I need to breathe, relax, and remember, I chose to be in this place in my life right now and the rewards come not from success or failure in any career I am halfheatedly pursuing during my few hours of free time here and there, it comes from seeing my children healing and succeeding in their lives.
These rewards, right now, are immeasurable and amazing.
And, bottom line, as I wrote to my friend, life won't be like this forever, and sometimes I wish it would hurry up and get to the next "phase," whatever that might be, but then I also have to stop and remember that there will be a lot I miss about my life right now when the next phase does arrive.
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Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Pause when agitated…
Writing helps too. Fair warning, this might be a bit whiney.
Monday falls on a Tuesday in our house this week, and today was a wash due to issues with the boys, tomorrow is filled with long walks to and from appointments, so Monday falls on a Thursday in my life this week.
And there is so much to be done…
Today it is issues with the big one. Several issues. Old behavior. With consequences. I will probably have to skip my meeting tonight to deal with them. Pause, wait and see. Too early for a final decision.
Issues with the big one leading to a good check in with the ex one today. That part went well. We were able to talk about a few things, her health issues, vague outlines of plans for the rest of the year as far as who will be living where and when, and some preliminary foundation laying for a big sit down talk and budget planning session Thursday morning (that will be the only calendar item for Thursday while the boys are in school).
Long story short, this is not going to be an easy year, but I already knew that.
The only times I really have to work on anything are when the boys are in school or after they go to bed. There are just enough distractions and chores while the boys are in school that daylight hours have proven to be a fairly ineffective time for me to make much progress on the big ticket projects, like job hunting. Unfortunately, most nights the last few weeks, by the time the boys are hitting the pillows, I am pretty much done myself.
This weekend was tough. My body is starting to break down from the long hours, the long walks, the lack of decent sleep, and some malnutrition. Yes, the food budget is that tight, but better me than them. I didn’t get much done this weekend, but I was able to spend some time with the boys and I was able to knock a couple of short and brainless personal projects out, but I didn’t accomplish anything I really needed to accomplish.
So… Well… Next week. But with the on going issues with the boys and the ex, after pausing and praying for a bit, I realized that I need to relax a little. I am putting too much pressure on myself to accomplish tasks that I clearly am not able to accomplish right now. If the needs of my family are preventing me from even looking for work right now, what the hell would happen if I actually landed a job right now?
This is not to say that I am not going to look for work. I will keep trying. The solution to this problem is very organic. When I have time to get a job, I will have time to work a job. But for the last few weeks the only time I have had available for job hunting has been late at night, and I just haven’t been up to pulling any all nighters for awhile.
This too shall pass. One way or the other. Either things will smooth out and I will have time to start getting this work done while the sun is up or, if I quit trying to push myself past burnout and start pacing myself a little more evenly, I will physically recover enough from the last long months to start putting a little more umph into these things, pulling a couple all nighters here and there when needed.
But this week? It is already Tuesday and I won’t even be able to start any of this until Friday, unless I pull an all nighter. I think I just need to let it go for now. Let go and let God…
I am not being lazy and I am not making excuses. I am just working hard at the immediate tasks that need to be completed. If I push myself too hard, into more severe physical health problems, then I stand to lose too much and that is not a risk I can take right now.
So deep breaths and just take these things one day at a time, just keep my eye on the next right step, and keep on trudging the path.
I’ve been stressing myself out over things I have no control over. This is a sort of future tripping that I am very susceptible to. Not worrying about what is going to happen next month or next year, but worrying about what is going to happen later this week, or even later today.
The little one is home now. Time to move on from this… Once more into the breach. I do feel a bit better now. Breathe in, Breathe out…
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Monday, February 13, 2012
A long way back towards home…
Note: Cross posted from Rubble.
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A long way back towards home... Tiger Mountain from the Volunteer Park Water Tower. Seattle, Washington. June 30, 2011. Photo of the Day, February 13, 2012. First Anniversary of my Photo of the Day.
This is a picture taken on a trip from Gresham to the neighborhood in Seattle where I lived for ten years, looking east towards the town where I grew up. In my original blurb about my photo of the day, I mentioned that some pictures would be chosen for sentimental value over technical value and this would be one of those.
I do like this picture, but I doubt it is the best picture in my files that has yet to be featured as the photo of the day. I have years worth of unedited pictures to go through and I am sure that there are some really spectacular shots in there that I have overlooked so far. This one is merely nice, in my book. But because of way the subject matter intersects with the date, this shot spoke to me as I put together today’s post.
The tallest peak in the background is Tiger Mountain, the dominant geographical feature in the town I lived in from ages four to eighteen.
Larch Mountain seen from Gresham reminds me of Tiger, but it is more distant, not looming over downtown itself as Tiger looms over Issaquah. I find the familiar profile comforting, though. It is one of many things about Gresham that remind me of Issaquah.
Which is strange to me in some ways. During the ten years I lived on or near Capitol Hill in Seattle, if you asked me if I would ever want to return to Issaquah or to live in a town that reminded me of it, I would have laughed you out of the room.
So many years later, with children of my own, I still have little desire to return to Issaquah. That time of my life is behind me now. Beyond that, the town I grew up in has changed so much that it is practically unrecognizable to me. Even if I wanted to go home again, I could not. The town I lived in does not exist anymore, I have no family there any more, and most of my friends have scattered across the country. There is little there for me now.
But raising my kids in a town that reminds me of the town I grew up in is very nice. I had a pretty good time growing up in Issaquah. Though, technically, I grew up in Sammamish, that town did not exist when I lived there. And I did go to high school in Issaquah proper, right at the foot of Tiger Mountain.
It was a good place for me to spend my childhood. I hope Gresham treats my boys as well as Issaquah treated me. If you’ve ever really wondered what the Part Two on my Suburban Eschatology blog represents, well, there it is in a nut shell.
So… This post is supposed to be about the photos of the day, not this particular selection. Well, there is a reason for those sentimental musings, but for now I’ll turn to this on going series of photos…
I’ve been at this photo of the day thing for a year now. It, too, has treated me pretty well. All the goals I mentioned in the original blub about it have been met in spades. It has kept me focused on my photography, it has forced me to become a better photographer, it has gained me a fan or two… All good things.
This anniversary comes at an interesting time in my life. There is a reason why I chose a sentimental picture for this milestone. I find myself at a crossroads where I will soon be returning to work for the first time in a couple years and I find myself spending a lot of time thinking about what directions I would like my career to head in from here.
I must admit that, for the last ten years or more, I have been wandering a bit. I became a tech writer by trade because it was what I had become in practice already. Though it was not my specific title until 2007, it made up a large share of my job description in every position I’ve held since 1999.
But I never really chose it as my profession. It just sort of happened. It is not a bad way to spend my time, it pays my bills, but it is not where I imagined myself when I lived in the shadow of Tiger Mountain, nor when I lived on the hill with the water tower.
Likewise, I never really wanted to be a “Photographer,” though it has always been a hobby of mine. I’ve been taking pictures since I was in the first grade and people have always liked them. My only formal training was a couple of elective classes in middle school where I learned how to work in black and white and where I learned that I love working with enlargers making prints and that I hate the actual process of developing film.
In high school, I was the photo editor for my school’s newspaper for two years, along with wearing some other hats on the paper’s staff. After high school, though, photography faded into the background for the most part. I could not have a dark room in my apartments and in the pre-digital era, it was hard to be a “serious photographer” without access to a darkroom.
In Seattle, by the end of the 1990s, I didn’t even have a decent camera any longer, though in the couple years before I moved to the Portland area, the photography bug would pop up from time to time. Recently I started running through and scanning a shoebox full of pictures I took during those years. Some of the later prints were shot with disposable cameras, but I still managed to get some decent pictures. I am sure these will be trickling out into my photos of the day over the next few weeks.
I was given my first digital camera in 2002. It was a pretty sad little piece of gear, but it was better than nothing, and as I’ve written before, I was happy to have it. But the 2000s were a difficult period for my family and I. It wasn’t until the second half of the decade that I was able, from time to time, to get out and take many photos beyond the obligatory snapshots of the kids.
I didn’t really start taking photography seriously again until I bought myself a somewhat decent point and shoot camera in April 2007. With a decent digital camera and access to some mediocre photo editing software, I found that I didn’t need a darkroom any more for “serious photography.” A clearance priced HP Photosmart, a bundled consumer photo editor, and I was back in the game. Still, I didn’t think of photography as anything more than a minor hobby.
Though that is not entirely true. In my role as a technical writer with ESI, photography actually played as big of a part of my job as writing and editing. In fact, I was hired not because of my writing, but because of my photography skills. The manager who hired me was looking for a photographer more than a writer - a technical writer, for sure, but one who actually had demonstrable photography skills as well, and tech writers such as this were a bit harder to find.
For the duration of that contract, I spent as much time working with cameras and photo editing software as I did actually writing and editing text. For that time, at least, I do feel that it would be acceptable to call myself a professional photographer. As acceptable, at least, as it was to call myself a professional writer during the years where I was writing a lot for work but it had not yet been promoted into my official job title.
Still, in my own mind and in my heart, photography was not my passion, it was merely one of many activities that I enjoyed. As Joseph Campbell would have put it, it was not my bliss.
When it comes to the arts, I’ve always thought of myself as a writer first, a musician second, and a photographer as a distant third. While I did start taking pictures regularly a little before I started writing, first grade versus second grade, and while I didn’t start playing music until the fourth grade, I’ve spent much more of my life working on my writing and music than on my photography.
So, photography rising as my primary creative outlet over the past year has been quite a surprise to me in some ways. Sure, I have been taking a lot of pictures since 2007, but I wasn’t doing anything with them except throwing a few up on Facebook from time to time. I did not consider my pictures to be anything more than a mild hobby and sanity saving distraction, not a serious artistic or professional pursuit.
Over the last year, though, I haven’t had the focus or attention to work on much writing or music. For me, those are solitary pursuits and I have not had more than a very occasional hour or two of solitary time over the last 15 months or so. When I was in California, I did have a lot of time to work on some research and development for a novel I will write eventually, but when I came home and took on the challenge of getting my boys put back together, that project was put on indefinite hold.
But one thing I have been able to do is to take a lot of pictures. Rather than being an artistic pursuit that keeps me away from my children, it is something that I can work on while spending time with my family. I want to go take some pictures? I throw the boys and dog in the car and off we go and everyone has a good time (though there are the occasional complaints that I stop too often on our hikes and walks to take pictures).
And photography has helped to keep me sane through the past year. With so many challenges coming from having two special needs children (not to mention their disabled mother crashing in their room since last June), having to put my entire life on hold for the last year to put them back together, photography has been the one piece of me that I have been able to hold onto, to not set aside for my family, and to find some comfort and refuge in.
So, at risk of being a bit overdramatic, for the last year, photography has been instrumental in keeping me from going bat shit crazy.
Now, a year into my photo of the day, I find myself approaching a crossroads. Where do I go from here with my career, now that it looks like I will be able to resume one?
For the first time in my life, I really do consider myself to be a Photographer. Not a writer who takes some pictures, not as someone who likes taking pictures, but as an actual, capital P, Photographer. For the first time in many, many years, I would actually consider making a career out of this. And for the first time ever I could see it as not being a subset of my job, but as it being the primary focus of my job.
During the time from middle school through the end of high school, I did see photography as playing a big role in my future career life. Through those years, I wanted to be a journalist and I saw myself eventually working both as a photojournalist and a writer. By the end of high school, I was in a position to have a very successful career as a journalist. However, some experiences during my senior year of high school soured me on those plans. Those are stories probably better saved for Democracy In Distress, though, rather than Rubble.
After the last year, though, for the first time in twenty years I find myself drawn to journalism as a career path because it seems like such a perfect way to combine my writing with my photography, the same draw that profession held for me so long ago. Unlike back then, this time around I actually could see myself working purely as a photographer, though I would still prefer it if there was some writing involved.
To me, for my abilities, I just think it is the best way for me to tell stories, with words and pictures .
Over the next few years, instead of continuing the aimless career drift that I’ve been suffering for the last twelve or thirteen years (this is not entirely true, I had definite career plans while I was back in school from 2004-2008, but my education was completely derailed by the continual health and stability issues that have plagued my family for the past decade and those plans are now indefinitely, if not permanently, unattainable), I really see myself steering towards journalism.
This is not to say that I am going to drop everything and completely start from scratch, just a couple hours ago I submitted a resume for a likely looking tech writing contract, but I will start looking for more opportunities in the journalism field, and I will pursue them when I find them.
Tomorrow I will start this process by applying for a position as a monthly columnist for a national website. A position that would not be full time work with a self-sufficient income if it is offered to me, but one that would be a nice foot in the door with a little supplemental income as a bonus.
I also have a couple of other photography related goals that I will pursue this year as opportunities present themselves, ones that are more artistically oriented.
So, I’ve come full circle. From Gresham, through Seattle, and back to Issaquah. What do I want to be when I grow up? Exactly what I wanted to be when I drove to school in the shadow of Tiger Mountain on the first day of my senior year of high school, a little over twenty-one years ago.
I will admit that I’ve recently been feeling the ache of so many “lost” years. This will be a harder profession for me to break into now. Back then, I had contacts and references from Washington DC elite and cabinet members of the National Press Club. Today? A year’s worth of photos of the day, a few good references from work in semi-related fields, and some blog posts. But that is a lot more than nothing.
I have to remember that I’ve played the hands I’ve been dealt to the best of my ability. Sometimes my ability was lacking and, here and there, I blew some pretty good hands, but there was also some long periods where I was dealt nothing but crap. I blame no one but myself for my mistakes and I have faith that God wanted me to learn a few things from the tougher hands in life, so I try not to be bitter, but sometimes it can be a bit dispiriting.
Sometimes it too easy to look backwards and see so many junctions in life where slightly different choices could have lead to me being in very different places in life today, probably more secure places, as well. A couple different twists and turns in the past, in the days under Tiger Mountain, or on Capitol Hill, or even more recently here in Gresham, and I could very easily have achieved many of the goals that I am just starting off towards today, but where I am in life today is exactly where God meant for me to be in life today. Without that simple truth, I am lost, but with it, I can find a tremendous amount of strength.
It is easy to get lost in the woulda, shoulda, couldas… It is best just to avoid them.
Fortunately, even more than this sad, semi-remorseful and frustrating sentimentality, what I have been feeling recently is a lot of optimism. For the first time in almost two decades, I feel like I am really at a point in my life where I can finally apply all the lessons I’ve been learning and find some success and security for myself and my children. I feel like I am at a junction where all the different experiences of my life are coming together in such a way to really prepare me for some solid successes in the near future.
That is a very good place to be in life. When I look backwards ten years, twenty years, it is easy to feel frustration and regret, but when I look ahead ten years, well… It looks pretty damn good from where I stand right now.
My photography, and my photo of the day series in particular, has a lot to do with this optimism.
So tonight I spend a moment looking backwards towards a home that no longer exists. Tomorrow, though, I turn towards the future and all the promises of hope that greet us as we awake each morning at dawn.
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Thursday, February 9, 2012
So many miles behind me, still so far to go… Some notes on Life
So Many Miles Behind Me
A little sore and tired today, but I am taking to day off, mostly. Focusing on some light projects at home…
Saturday, 5.52 mile walk with the big one and the dog, down the Gresham-Fairview Trail and looping home past the big quarry.
Sunday, short 2.5 mile walk with the big one and the dog up the hill to Binford Reservoir..
Monday, 12.5 mile bike ride on the Springwater Trail with the big one, who had the day off of school. This one was a little rough on the boy, not realizing that it was a little uphill into a strong headwind the whole way back, but he did well.
Tuesday, four mile bike ride down the hill to pick the big one up from school after he threw up, two miles on foot, round trip, to Safeway, and another four miles, round trip, for my Tuesday meeting, for a daily total of ten miles on bike or foot.
Wednesday, 7.3 mile walk to and from the little one’s school for an appointment that was canceled five minutes before I arrived and another two mile round trip walk to an appointment with the big one. 9.3 miles for the day, total.
For a total of 39.82 miles on bike or foot, mostly foot, this week (so far). I am going to call it 40 miles in five days. Try and stop me. Considering those are two of the first three bike rides of any length I’ve taken in 20 years, while they are short and flat rides to many, they felt fairly substantial to me.
Though tempted to declare myself ready for some decent backpacking trips this summer, I must be cautious. No heavy pack on my back for these trips and not much elevation on any of them.
Unfortunately, all of this necessary running around has completely derailed my plans for the week.
The Boys Being Boys
Things are going pretty well, for the most part, but it wouldn't be life without some ups and downs. It helps me to sit down and write through these things from time to time.
Right now, the toughest issues are with the boys, the little one in particular. Last week the little one had a bit of a relapse into old behavior. Definitely the worst he's had at his school this year, matching what I was seeing when he first started at Serendipity after moving in with me last spring, though still not as bad as what he was doing in Beaverton.
Things, overall, are running pretty smoothly, so the recent set backs are not due to any transitions or anything like that. I think it is just a little bit of boundary testing and, since he has been doing pretty well for the most part for so many months, I think a part of it was just forgetting that there are consequences for violent behavior. I am not too concerned, but it was really important that we clamped down on this right away and made it clear to him that these behaviors were not acceptable and would not be tolerated.
So this has been a bit of a distraction this last week, a lot of extra time spent working with his teachers and counselor. But I do think this is just a part of the process with him.
We'll probably see this happen every once in a while, for a while, with decreasing intensity and frequency until he is back to "normal." Also, everyone is in agreement on this, that these behaviors are choices, bad decisions that he is making, and that he does have control over these behaviors. No one is running around looking to put him on anti-psychotics like they were before he moved in here last spring, trying to figure out "what is wrong with him." It's just left over behavioral issues from too many years of running feral.
Last week, I was relieved that I wasn't back at work quite yet because it would have really been difficult to handle this situation if I was. Good timing on the little one's part to get this step out of the way now and not in a month or two.
Unfortunately, we may not be out of the woods on these issues yet. As I was about to post this, I received this email regarding the little one’s transition back to his mainstream elementary school:
…[he] should be brining his data sheet to our school because we have issues going on that probably aren't being documented well. He needed to be asked to leave his gen. ed class today because he was disruptive. He was mad at another student. I think we should probably have another meeting before he adds time. We received 4 restraint reports from the SSC, he has hurt students at recess at our school, not listening to adults here, I was told that in resource room for math he is not working. He often sits with hands in hair not doing work. With all this happening I'm a little concerned with his readiness and how this transition should go.
The big one also had a bit of a slump the last week, week and a half or so. I've been pretty much letting him fly solo on the homework while I focus on the final push towards employment, and his work has slacked off a bit as a result. For the most part, he's turning most of his work in (though he did miss one or two assignments recently), but it's just not being done very well when I am not checking it for him and holding him accountable.
Accountability in our current system happens when his grades are posted online and he gains or loses privileges based on his marks. But I will say that he is making a lot of progress. He even earned a second positive behavior referral recently.
The last time I let him fly solo, he stopped completely. This time he only slumped a bit.
He had some major tests last week that have not been graded yet, but hopefully he did well and he gets out of the woods in science, at least. I was able to spend quite a bit of time helping him study last week.
Tests have been his big problem this term. On his assignments, the big one has been getting Bs and Cs for the most part, but he's been failing most of his tests, and this is killing him in the two classes where tests carry a lot more weight than the assignments. Unfortunately, this keeps him right on the line between passing and failing, so if he blows a couple assignments or forgets to turn them in, they drop him down to Ds and Fs really fast.
He is learning that he doesn't have a lot of wiggle room and that it is better to go ahead and take a few extra minutes on his homework than to slack off on it and then have to deal with the consequences... A few extra minutes one evening can save him from weeks of no video games or being grounded.
Don't get me wrong, all of these issues are just a part of the process and everyone, for the most part, I feel is doing really well overall. These incidents and issues are all expected, minor hiccups, but everyone is definitely moving in the right directions. As long as, over time, more steps are taken forwards than backwards, we can deal with these small slides in the wrong direction.
Getting Daddy PAID!
Then there is the search for a new writing contract… Looking for work…
At this point the job hunt is only frustrating because the active job hunt hasn't gotten off the ground yet, not because of a lack of leads or results.
Because of these unexpected events with the boys, I am falling about three weeks behind schedule on this right now. Most of the last two weeks was spent taking care of boy issues, and I was running about a week behind schedule before that on getting more than a couple resumes off in the first place.
I have one or two solid days of prep work left before I feel comfortable sending out resumes in mass (though I have sent off a couple when I've stumbled on possibilities). I still need to clean up my websites a bit (about one day's work, most of the heavy lifting is done now) and to finish the portfolio I just started on Behance (probably no more than a day's work, mostly spent figuring out how I want to present my work samples and then reviewing and posting this material - the difficult part is selecting or editing samples that display my abilities without revealing the proprietary information of former employers).
After this, I plan on starting a run through the job sites, updating my profiles and then applying to everything that looks like a possibility (shotgun blasts of resumes, not sniping at select prestige targets). At one or two sites a day, that should keep me busy full time for about a week to ten days. After that, the process will be one of keeping up to date with new postings on these sites and starting a run through the old temp agencies, looking for short term and long term opportunities.
The agency part of this process can fill up two or three weeks. It can be pretty time consuming because I usually have to run all over the greater Portland area for interviews and skills tests. It is difficult to be certain, but I hope to be starting some sort of a job four to six weeks from the time I start getting resumes off in mass. Looking at past job hunts, that is a realistic timeframe, I feel.
The Ex One
Unfortunately, due to some unforeseen financial issues the ex one is having, which has created unforeseen financial issues for myself and the boys, sending out resumes is going to have to be on hold until the ex one can resolve some issues she has been having, because, right now, I am limited to walking/biking distance and I need a new printer cartridge to print resumes and work samples for interviews.
She needs to dig herself out of the hole this time and deal with the consequences. The longer I am out of work, from here out, the more we'll have to rely on her income, delaying or even permanently derailing her long term plans, so there is incentive for her to get this specific incident and this on-going problem resolved.
I do have some distasteful back-up plans if she is not able to resolve this in a week or two, but I am not ready to go there yet. Rent and power are paid and we have enough food to get through.
It's been so long since I've had any money that it doesn't really make much of a difference to me one way or the other, and since we are finally through the two months of on again off again school breaks, it won't effect the boys much either. This isn't the time of the year where we are doing a lot of running around anyway.
She may have to make some choices about how she spends her money, such as the cable and internet. These are not critical issues to me. The boys and I don't watch that much television, and I discovered that there is free wi-fi in our complex’s rental office/resident lounge for the tenants to use, so I don't need an active internet connection in the apartment for job hunting, especially after the first week to ten days.
But I am shut down until I have bus fare for transportation and until I can print resumes and work samples.
I think the issues she's had with the finances are helping to bring her to terms with some long term issues about her current abilities and about her future. She is realizing, slowly, that some of her plans may need to be modified or changed. That some of her plans may not have been entirely realistic (buying a house while living on a limited income from Social Security).
She is making significant progress in the parenting department, but I don't think she is quite up to dealing with the tough situations solo yet. For example, I wandered out the other night to find the big one, who was grounded without gear because he was flunking math and dropped his grade to a D in science, playing video games on her computer. When I reminded them that he's not supposed to be doing this she sighed and rolled her eyes in a sort of "you can’t expect me to keep track of this" sort of way...
She knows better than to say that this isn't her job, but I think she still hasn't accepted that this is a part of her job, especially if she ever wants to live on her own and have significant parenting time. However, I think her thyroid may be more to blame for these difficulties than anything else.
Both her and I are realizing that she is still experiencing some pretty severe issues with her thyroid that are making it difficult for her to make clear decisions and to maintain a healthy emotional balance, so she is going to start following up on this more with her doctors, making this a bigger priority in her life.
We received some test results a couple days ago that reveal that this gland is getting more and more out of whack. She may be looking at surgery later this year to have it removed. If so, that will really be a game changer for everyone’s plan for 2012, but it may be what is necessary for her to get her life back on a stable track and to be the parent that she really wants to be, has been in the past during her one healthy stretch the last ten years, and can be again.
In the long term, if she can step up and be a more successful parent, that will help all of us tremendously, and I am glad that we have some light at the end of the tunnel on this.
Unfortunately, the tunnel may be a bit longer than any of us realized a week or two ago.
So Many Miles Ahead Of Me
I do feel that, by the time I take on a new writing contract, I'll have had at least a couple more weeks to make sure that things are running smoothly (as much as possible) around here. It is time to start the next phase of the getting back to work process, to start actively searching, and I am eager to get started.
Like I said, once I pull the trigger on the resumes, I should still have at least four to six weeks to get the home front prepared for me being out of the house more than I am in it. A little longer depending on how long it takes Jenna to resolve her financial issue or a little shorter if I am lucky and God is willing. But it is definitely time to get this process started. I do not think the family will gain anything from having me wait any longer than necessary to get this started.
As for myself in all of this, I am feeling pretty weary and burned out. It is a little daunting to be looking at such a major change in my own life when feeling like this, but I think making these changes will help me more than hurt me.
It's been a long year plus of taking care of everyone and I really haven't had a break since I left for California to help my mother with her issues at the start of November 2010. I am feeling that a bit, and I know my productivity has been down a bit for the last month or so. It is not depression or anything worse, it is just being tired and burned out.
Getting back to a regular job should be a refreshing change of pace for me. While it might be a little tough on the boys and Jenna, it will be nice to get back into a more "normal" pattern of life. I also think that will help everyone else get back into a more "normal" pattern of life.
Until then, I am hanging in there and trudging the path.
So, there's the big update with everything going on right now.
Considering that my greatest need, financially and mentally, is to get back to work, this pause for the last year has effected everyone else too. While I've been focusing on the day to day needs of troubled children, we've all had to make sacrifices. Now that the children are healed enough for me to take on a job, we'll all benefit from increased financial security and, hopefully, the ability to have a little more freedom and fun during weekends and breaks.
I really look at this next step as being a very important part of the healing process for my whole family, reflecting the progress the whole family has made since I returned from California a year ago.
As for the ex one and the boys, it took years for them to get as messed up as they were, and it will take years for the boys to recover from those experiences, but I am constantly amazed at how much progress they have made in such a short period of time already.
The last couple weeks have dealt out some tough hands to play, but nothing impossible and these are the challenges we all must confront as we heal. For me, I am just looking forward to getting my life back on track this year after a long pause. This past year has been frustrating, because I've put so many of my needs on hold while taking care of everyone else's.
But watching the boys’ successes and growth has been even more rewarding.
It just shows me that, fundamentally, they are good kids who have just been confused and distracted by too much crazy crap from the grownups in their lives over the years.
I am also very thankful that, since last spring, at least, that I have been able to be a part of the solution for them, not a part of the problem. I thank my father very much for having that opportunity, because without his help last year, I would not have been able to be there for them as much as they needed me.
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