Random thoughts wandering through my mind… Found a new-to-me band that I like this morning, Slowdive. Hate today's photo of the day. It is too blurry. But I think it would look great in B&W… I might re-post it that way tomorrow.
I forgot my #1 rule… I wanted it to be the photo I wanted, not the photo it was. Same rule applies to EVERYTHING in art. I've got to let it be what it is, music, photography, writing, not forcing it to be what I want it to be, not trying to make it into something that it is not… That's the way I get my best stuff, at least.
I am still feeling discombobulated. I wanted to fire out of the gate into the new year, instead I stumbled out, teetering and tottering. So far, no falling on my face. But no great burst of productivity, as I'd hoped.
I suppose in life as in art, one has to live the life God hands us, not the one we want. Trying to do otherwise only, for me, at least, creates conflict, chaos, and confusion.
Really, I am just bitter because I wanted to feel rested and refreshed for the start of the new year. Instead, I still feel tired and burned out. I just want the little bookkeeping chores I have left over from last year to resolve themselves and to really start fresh, but that is not life.
Of course, procrastination can bring a resolution to almost any task, but usually not with the desired results. Not that I am procrastinating, but I feel like I am not getting much done.
The boys are back in school and there are a lot of appointments this week. I need to remind myself, on the family front, all the critical tasks are being knocked down. The other tasks are just my own, personal wants. They have little to do, though they are not completely disconnected from, my family's needs. So I am probably being a bit hard on myself.
However, one area probably needs attention… I feel like I am floating through chaos, grabbing at what ever piece of flotsam and jetsam that happens to drift by. I need to take some time in the next day or two and really put together a plan for the next two or three weeks. I need to get organized.
I have a definite deadline on the 11th for one project and a softer, personal deadline on the 16th for completing some other projects. Everything not done by MLK Day is pretty much going to be put on the back burner until I get back to work. Starting that Tuesday, finding a new work contract is my number one priority.
Most of what I want to do between then and now does involve preparations for that big project. But before I start on those preparations, I do want to tie up a few loose ends. Very soon, hopefully, I will have almost zero free time. There are a few personal projects I would like to complete before that happens and a few projects I should complete to help that come about. Still, it feels like a lot, almost too much, to get done in a week and a half.
But it is not. I just need to get busy and use my time wisely and follow the priorities I was able to work out for myself over the break. This was a good time for some soul searching and some redefining of priorities. I identified some goals I would like to accomplish this year and identified some preliminary steps to take to start moving towards these goals. Vague plans, but they have to be at this point in my life. I was also able to switch some gears and to get re-aligned with the new goals that the new year brings.
2012 is not going to be an easy year but it, hopefully, will be a rewarding year. This could be a much tougher year than last year and it definitely will be a much more complicated year than 2011. A lot of what I am feeling, these mixed concerns and fears, are probably due to this knowledge. However, I have to take it one day at a time and remember that the results are in God's hands, not mine. I am merely responsible for showing up and putting in the effort.
That is all I can do.
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