Sunday, November 20, 2011

Permissive parents: Curb your brats

Originally posted on Live Journal: Suburban Eschatology Part Two

@ 2011-07-07 10:34:00

Note:  November 20, 2011, 6:55 PM

Been working on tweaking and changing some of the tools I use to post, and the new method makes it very easy to migrate posts from one blog to another.  Eventually, I would like to move everything over here from the old LJ blog, but that is not a huge priority right now.

However, working on the system for doing that, I did want to move a few over tonight.  I posted a couple on their original publication date and posted a few for tonight. 

In the future, I will probably just sneak most of them in behind the current posts on their original date.

I will also be working on a couple years worth of posts that were pulled down off of Rubble when it was repurposed and never put up anywhere else, the new SE2 or the old.


Permissive parents: Curb your brats -

From the article:

If you had "the look," you wouldn't need to say much of anything at all. But this nonverbal cue needs to be introduced early and reinforced diligently with consequences for transgressions, just like potty training. And whenever a kid throws a temper tantrum in the middle of the shopping mall it's just as bad as his soiling his pants to spite his parents, and it stinks just as much.

I have seen a small child slap her mother in the face with an open hand, only to be met with "Honey, don't hit Mommy." I have seen kids tell their parents "Shut up" and "Leave me alone" at the top of their lungs -- and they are not put in check. I shake my head knowing it's only going to get worse from here.

I've seen what worse from there looks like.  It is not pretty and not good for the child, let alone anyone else. 

And how to get there, this is a great article... This is essentially the system I am using at home with my metaphorical pants soiler.

Behavior Modification (

Setting up a behavior modification program takes hard work, dedication, commitment and cooperation between parents, teachers and caregivers. The following seven steps will help you to create your own system, catered to the individual needs of your children.

ADHD is more of a problem with the big one, not the little one who was recently having some serious behavioral crises, but these approaches have been working really well with him.  I just read this article for the first time today, but it pretty much sums up what I am doing at home to get the little one back on track.

Comments from the original post…
2011-07-07 12:13 pm (local)

I saw that CNN article and was very put off by it - I think it may be a fashionable viewpoint, but is a simplistic way of looking at human behavior.

I could go on, but here are a few bloggers that mirror my thoughts a bit:

I also read the behavior modification article you posted. I realize that every parent has to do what works for them, but I cringe at the idea that rewards and consequences are some sort of magic bullet. Of course I'm from the Alfie Kohn school of thought on rewards, so it's not my thing to begin with, but I think raising well-adjusted children is so much deeper than just behavior.

Behavior is a symptom, not a cause, imo. One thing the article does get right, I think, is the idea that the parent needs to really look at their own behavior. Any time I have ever felt that my kids were not behaving appropriately, I try to look at myself first to find the problem. It's always there - my attitude, my expectations, my language, the behaviors I'm modeling, my choices. When I modify my own behavior, the kids' behavior follows.

I'm not suggesting that you change your approach - your family is in crisis mode,and you are not starting from a baseline of happy connectedness. You have do what you can. What I am suggesting is that behavior modification might get you to a place of order, but if you want to get to a place of happy connectedness, it takes going much deeper. I wish you all the best.

2011-07-07 12:18 pm (local)

Of course, this stuff is only about 1% of being a parent.

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