Suburban Eschatology Part Two: The Big One

Showing posts with label The Big One. Show all posts

Monday, June 19, 2017

Friday, April 7, 2017

Prom 2017

Jack Ready for Prom
Orient, Oregon. April 7, 2017
Copyright © 2017 A. F. Litt, All Rights Reserved

Monday, February 10, 2014

Video: …Thawing…

Thawing after the ice storm. Orient, Oregon. February 9, 2014.

Just a quick one I threw together yesterday… An opportunity to familiarize myself with some of the Premier Pro CC changes, to do some side by side work with some different cameras (used my lousy Android phone for some of these shots), and to play with some more complex audio mixing than I’ve done so far.

from tag production

from tag creative

(more..)

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Themisan Online: Adult Living Program

Article and photo by the big one for his high school newspaper... Ur, I mean Blog.

Themisan Online: Adult Living Program: What are those portables next to the school? Some people are not sure, they said things like, "Oh, that's where I hide my bodies!&...

What are those portables next to the school? Some people are not sure, they said things like, "Oh, that's where I hide my bodies!" According to one student, "It's just a different learning environment for the kids who need it. (A bit like us.)" Well, this is not wrong.

The portables are home to to separate curricula that are a bit different from STHS. These curricula are referred to as the Structured Skills Center (SSC) and the Adult Living Program (ALP). These are different learning environments. Though the Structured Skills Center is the focal point of the portables, the Adult Living Program is of equal importance.

The main goal of the Adult Living Program is to help different people with different issues become successful with basic adult tasks.

"The program is here to help students with various disabilities become independent," says Denise Gies, Program Director of ALP, "Some are already more independent than others." The program is for people ages 18-21 with a high school diploma and a disability (or two) to learn essential skills for living alone.

Here is something that may be confusing. Why would people go back into an educational learning environment to learn something not "school related" (Math, Science, History, English, etc.) when they are old enough to refuse? Let's pretend that, when someone is older, they could realize that the skills they need to live alone are... missing, because they may have never learned it. Also, if they have a certain disability that doesn't help them, they would need to learn how to deal with it. If they don't have these skills, they will not be able stay on their own which is is not advisable for an adult. Since these skills are required, they would need to learn them. This program helps people with that.

The environment inside the portable is small. It looks smaller on the outside though. There is a kitchen inside where students can learn to cook meals and learn the proper cooking temperatures for the food. If they don't know this they can get salmonella poison or food poisoning. The kitchen also allows for extra work such as washing dishes, cleaning counters, putting things away, etc. The students here learn to wash dishes and all that at school. They also have washing machines and dryers that are used to teach how to do laundry and clean up after themselves, which is an essential skill for living on their own. This part of the ALP is very important too.

There is a class that is called My Money. This is easily the most important thing about the program. This class is about managing money and how to use it. It can teach them how to keep a budget and how to assure a steady amount of left over money. It teaches how to operate a cash register in case they would want to get a job as a clerk.

The students are like a big happy family. They all know each other and they all work together. They co-operate with one another and their friends. They are not troubled kids from Hogan Cedars they are nice people that need a little bit of support. Once they get that support they can leave.

"They attend because they want to," Denise.said, "They can leave anytime, after checking out." A student at ALP said, when prompted, "I like it here, it's cool and helps me a lot". When asked if they are glad they found the program they replied with, "Yes, I'm happy ALP is here."

Monday, March 11, 2013

Shiloh's 1st "Big Out"

Sandy River Delta, Columbia River Gorge National Scenic Area, Oregon. March 8, 2013.

from tag Bella

from tag Family

(more..)

Friday, January 4, 2013

2012 in 40 Questions: A “Meme”tastic New Year

I usually do not do this, but what the hell. I’ve been wanting to write something about the transition from one arbitrary set of days to the next arbitrary set of days, and this meme provides as good of a format as anything…

I stole the questions from a friend’s blog. Don’t know where she got them from.

2012 was a complicated year. Maybe a meme is what I need to help make sense of it.

1 What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before?

This gets right to the meat and bones of how 2012 will go down in the books…

Families are complicated these days, and instead of having just two parents, this number can range from one to many. For me, there are four, though my mother and father both married their current spouses after I was grown, so I tend to refer to them as my parents’ husband and wife as opposed to “stepparents.”

However, I’ve been fearing the day when one of the “big four” would pass, having just buried the last of my grandparents a couple years back…

On November 8, my mother’s husband Mario passed. While he was still more of my mother’s husband than my stepfather, his passing is in the process of completely re-arranging my world.

I’ve been fearing having to make funeral arrangements for anyone, no longer... I’ve been fearing “what to do” with mom or dad when the time came when they could no longer live on their own, no longer…

A lot of firsts are wrapped up in this event.

2 Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Yes and No.

I wanted to make further strides towards becoming a “professional” photographer & writer in fields outside of Technical Writing, and life was too complicated this year to do much towards pursing this goal, other than just taking a lot of pictures. This is a goal that will continue in 2013.

This time last year my number one goal was to try to get a gallery showing (okay, some pictures on a coffeehouse or bar wall) by the end of the year. Not even close.

However, I did get two-thirds the way through draft of a novel, and that ain’t nothing. If life had gone according to plan, that draft would have been finished by January 1, 2013.

These sorts of things are more goal than resolutions, but resolutions are not something I really do. Daily resolutions are more my pace, since life in recovery is lived, in this sense, one day at a time.

3 Did anyone close to you give birth?

Since I have to pause and think before answering this question, I will say no.

4 Did anyone close to you die?

Yes.

5 What countries did you visit?

Only my own.

6 What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

The space and time to not only develop some more serious career goals but to actually have the space and time to pursue them.

7 What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

November 8. See many of my other answers here.

8 What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Seeing the progress my children have made towards overcoming their issues since I got custody in 2011.

9 What was your biggest failure?

Not being able to help the boys’ mother progress further towards overcoming some of her issues.

10 Did you suffer illness or injury?

Other than a pesky strained ankle that bugged me from the spring through the end of the summer until I got off my feet a bit and let it heal, no. Thank God!

11 What was the best thing you bought?

While I received some amazing gifts this year, I bought very little for myself outside of a few books about once every three months. Probably a subscription to flikr PRO would be the most rewarding and productive “purchase” of the year.

12 Whose behavior merited celebration?

My children have been remarkable this year.

13 Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The Congressional Republicans? The news media? Of course. On a more personal front, I would rather not go there. I truly believe that everyone in my life has been trying to do the best they can, though mileage has varied.

14 Where did most of your money go?

Money?

15 What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Watching my boys really come together in 2012. Specifically, the big one seeing some real, independent success in school and the little one making new friends where ever he goes.

Of course, the opportunities brought about by having reliable transportation after a nearly year of busing, biking, and walking and from the DSLR I received for my birthday/Christmas are up there too. Finding out about the Adobe Cloud (which gives me all the software I’ll need for my 2013 goals at a price even I can afford) ranks pretty highly, as well.

16 What song will always remind you of 2012?

Really, this is hard to answer right now. It will be interesting to see what songs take me back to this period of my life in the future.

Probably anything by Murder By Death, O’Death, Ha Ha Tonka, and Kelly Hogan’s I Like To Keep Myself In Pain will be taking me back to the 2011 / 2012 period years from now.

But, if I have to pick one song, “Society” by Eddie Vedder will probably be the song I associate the most with 2012. Partially because I am using it in my One Day On Earth video, so I am hearing it a lot right now, but mostly because of the lyrics.

This song reflects a lot of what I have learned about myself in 2012. A lot about how my perceptions of what I need and want from the world have changed this year. How my perceptions about where I am in life and where I am heading in life have changed over the last 12 months or so.

It is the song I used in this video.

One Day On Earth: 12.12.12 - Stills I: What I Have & What I Need from A. F. Litt on Vimeo.

17 Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder?
This is a difficult question. There is a lot of sorrow right now, and a lot of fear due to some major changes taking place in my life, re-defining my life, but I would say that, underneath it all, I am happier.

I am more content and I am more secure about who I am, what I am doing in life, and where I am going in life and, really, who could ask for more?

So, happier, I would say, though this is a difficult and sad time.

ii. thinner or fatter?

Easy one, thinner. Though that may not be the case if I don’t start getting some more exercise soon.

iii. richer or poorer?

Spiritually, I am much richer. Financially, about the same.

18 What do you wish you'd done more of?

I wish I had the time and energy to work more with the boys’ mother and to help her find a more content place in her own life.

And more camping and hiking. Always. But I got as much in as circumstances would allow in 2012.

19 What do you wish you'd done less of?

Staring at screens in unproductive ways. Mostly this would have been last winter. It took awhile for me to figure out what I wanted to be doing with this time in my life and spending my “free time” trying to drive up hits on my websites was not the best use of my time, though I re-oriented away from this fairly early in 2012.

20 How will you be spending Christmas?

Past tense, now. Not in any way I could have foreseen before November 8. I had hoped to spend Christmas with all of my family in California celebrating a hell of a lot of successes since my last trip down here in 2010 / 2011.

Unfortunately, aside from my geographical location, this Christmas couldn’t have been more opposite from that and it was not a pleasant day.

xMass 2012: Fair Oaks, California from A. F. Litt on Vimeo.

22 Did you fall in love in 2012?

No. Not even close.

23 How many one-night stands?

Huh?

24 What was your favorite TV program?

Firefly. It and Lost were the only two shows I took any time to watch this year and I really enjoyed both of them, though Firefly wins by a nudge. Of course, they were only new to me.

25 Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No. I don’t have the time for that crap.

26 What was the best book you read?

I re-discovered Faulkner and loved every second I spent reading the Snopes Trilogy in 2012 (though I am still finishing the third novel, The Mansion).

27 What was your greatest musical discovery?

Easily Ha Ha Tonka. Never heard of them before they opened up for Murder By Death this summer.

28 What did you want and get?

Most everything I needed. Really. I am not kidding, even in a materialistic sense. I was very blessed in this way this year.

29 What did you want and not get?

Well, I still need a new external hard drive, though access to my mother’s laptop has mitigated this need temporarily. Other than that, nothing comes to mind.

30 What was your favorite film of this year?

I will say The Hobbit though I have yet to see it yet. Just the fact that it exists is enough for me.

This was not a big year for movies for me and, after the Dark Night shootings, my interest in going to the theater really evaporated. Strange, for me. Such things usually do not affect me like that. Finances were also an issue for most of the year and contributed quite a bit to this gap.

Oh, and I might have been one of the only people in the world to have given John Carter a fair shot and I enjoyed the hell out of it.

31 What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 40 and had a very nice day taking pictures and exploring the country outside of Sacramento before spending a great evening with an old friend.

I suppose I am fortunate that I got all of the turning 40 angst out of my system last year when I turned 39.

32 What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If the boys’ mother had been able to make a bit more progress towards her treatment goals.

33 How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

Huh?

34 What kept you sane?

Faith. Period. Though photography and writing helped a lot. It was nice adding the writing to the mix for the first time in years.

35 Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Really?

36 What political issue stirred you the most?

Of course the presidential election had me the most fired up, but the most moving issue for me was to see that Gay Rights are becoming accepted by a majority of Americans. It is abhorrent to me to see my LGBT friends not being treated as equals in the U.S.

There is still a long way to go with these issues, but I really believe that 2012 will be seen as the year when the tide irrevocably turned on LGBT rights.

37 Who did you miss?

Mario and, while I am away helping mom through this time, my children.

38 Best new person you met?

A great community of local Portland writers in the NaNo Portland Facebook group.

In “real” life, though I did not technically meet them this year, I gained a couple of good, new friends in the faith and recovery communities and I look forward to building those friendships more in 2013.

39 Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.

It is not a lesson I learned this year, but it was re-affirmed in some powerful ways... Faith can get us through anything.

40 Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

No.

from tag gazing

(more..)

Monday, December 24, 2012

a life full of changes… christmas 2012

My brain is all over the place this morning. It is Christmas Eve and that kind of sucks this year. I am very far from my children and will miss spending the day with them tomorrow. Sure, I am down in California taking care of my mother, but I miss them. We’d hoped to make it up there for Christmas but that just didn’t work this year.

We should be out of here in a couple weeks. Time to get to work, time to get this show on the road. A lot of hard work has been done, a lot of hard work remains to be done, and then, once we get mom moved out of here, we have another move to organize up north. Moving from our too small apartment to a location as yet to be determined.

There is a lot of work ahead.

I’ve been a little in denial about Christmas. Last night mom suggested setting up the small tree, and my first reaction was that I did not want to do that. But I thought about it for a few and decided that it wouldn’t hurt. It is not a very festive holiday down here, considering everything going on, but I think it did help, setting up the little tree.

Obviously, this is not the holiday we’d hoped for this year. Instead of having everyone together down here, which was the original plan a couple months ago, we are separated. And we’ve lost someone. It is not a happy holiday this year. I am in the house I wanted to be in this year, but without the people I wanted to spend Christmas with. Of course, mom is here, but I am sure she feels quite the same as I, and much worse considering her loss.

Turned 40 a few days ago, the day before the world was supposed to end. Funny how things work. Not a huge deal, I think I had my freak out last year when I turned 39. That was the year I went through the “OhmahGodIamALMOSTFORTYandIhavedoneNOTHINGwithmyLIFE!” fit.

I am pretty grateful about where I am in life, this year. I have the time and opportunity to take care of my family through some difficult times, and I can see light on the horizon, I can start to sense where, when, and how all of this work over the last couple years will pay off.

But I can still get a little bitter from time to time.

Earlier this morning I was reading about a 20 year old photographer on flikr who started a Photo of the Day project a little over three hundred days ago and has turned it into his full time career in under a year. Brat. Then I remembered, 20 year olds have a lot more time to work on Art than 40 year olds with a family in seemingly perpetual crisis. He probably also has a “real” camera.

His life is also scaled a little differently than mine. He was able to walk away from his day job delivering pizzas. If I do not return to my old career when this phase of my life is over, I will be walking away from quite a bit more than pizza delivery…

I have to also remember that photography has not been my career goal the last couple years. I may have been able to find such small success if I had been able to invest more time and effort into the art, but the main thing photography has done the last couple years for me is to keep my sanity intact through everything.

Pictures are small, bite sized things that did not distract me from my family (too much); small projects masqueraded for the most part as hikes for sanity and exercise, outings and vacations with the boys, etc. And, unlike writing, I can edit photos and videos surrounded by family chaos and not need to be alone, isolated in my room away from everyone and everything.

Yes, I would like to start making some money from those efforts, but that is still in the future for me. I do see myself hanging that shingle out in 2013, though. I was looking at a photographer’s website earlier today who specializes in family portraits and started thinking, yes, I could do that.

But I need to get a “real” camera first. Realistically, it doesn’t make much difference as far as the photos go, but it is everything when it comes to “Professional Appearance.” If I show up at someone’s home with my little Powershot and want to charge them hundreds of dollars… Well, it’s really about the time, talent, and 30 years of experience, not about the camera, but most people don’t understand that.

So, while dealing with the moving and the everything, I need to be looking to get a better camera running, and I need a little time to really consider what my photography goals for 2013 are before I make any decisions there.

To be honest, the camera I want is not a professional looking DSLR, and it would be, perhaps, even better than a DSLR for what I use my camera for most, at this point. However, if I really want to start generating some income, I may have to upgrade to a DSLR.

Of course, I could always go with a sneaky little Plan B that has lurked in the back of my mind for years. Just get a new lens for my old but awesome Minolta film SLR and use it as a stunt camera, an accessory worn around my neck, and then just use my little digitals to actually shoot. Or I could even go back to film. Or…

Or I could take the time to actually put a plan together and implement it.

This is where I am really feeling it this year. Time. I have too little. I need more. All I really want for Christmas is 36 hours in each day.

I need time to sit down and put a business plan together. I need time to sit down and figure out what I want to be when I grow up and the family’s perpetual crisis is finally as resolved as it will ever be (hopefully a few months after all the moving is done).

But these are enigmatic things, I also need time to edit my One Day On Earth videos, I need time to select some photos for some contests with end of the year deadlines (and not get distracted by editing everything in the batch looking for hidden treasures)… I need time to finish my novel, to revise it, to plug into the Portland writing community so I can workshop it…

I need time to pursue all of these things, which, when put together, should add up to something that looks pretty damn close to a self supporting career.

Bite sized chunks. Right now, I’ve got my priorities. Work on the contest photos (in a more focused manner than yesterday), work on the videos… I have less than a week for the former and 19 days to get my videos uploaded.

Then, when those things are done, I can return to the novel and get the first draft completed. Until then, all the writing goals are pretty much beyond my reach.

Even those tasks are secondary, though. What I really need the time, focus and energy for right now is with shepherding my family through two moves in two months.

When mom and I finally get out of here, and when we get settled into a house up in Oregon, then I may have time to really settle down and to take a look at 2013 goals. Until then, well, there are time critical tasks that just need to be knocked down.

But it feels chaotic, and I hate that. It is bugging me. And it is Christmas and my family is broken this year and that is dragging me down a bit, making the chaos feel even more obnoxious, distracting and confusing. Overwhelming.

And I am really feeling like all the time I have spent writing, filming, and editing the last couple months is wasted time. Time spent on hobbies, not on “real” things, distracting me from the very real job I have of getting my mother and children into a healthy, stable environment as quickly as possible.

Of course, these artistic projects are not “hobbies” but part of the foundation I am trying to lay to build the rest of my life on, to build a real career on once my family’s immediate demands on my time are lessened and I can actually pursue a career once again. So they are important tasks. But they do not come with immediate rewards.

These are not easy weeks in our lives.

The end of 2012 was supposed to be a couple month long celebration of my family’s success the last couple years. I finally thought I would have the ability to take on larger projects- National Novel Writing Month and more complex videos for One Day On Earth. Then we’d all come down to mom’s for a really great Christmas with her and Mario.

2013 was supposed to start with a first draft completed, some well shot videos being finished up, the boys settled into school and doing well, and myself being in a place where I was really starting to work on the next stage of my life.

Instead, everything got a lot more complicated and darker on November 8, when my stepfather Mario unexpectedly passed away. The end of this year and the start of next year took a huge turn in a strange direction.

While still a period of transition, the changes are much more dramatic and the work is a lot harder than anything I’d been planning on.

Even the family pieces, the boys’ stability, school performance, etc… has been rocked by these events.

The Big One was pulling straight As and Bs the first term, this term he is heading into break with Cs and Ds. The next step, in early November, for The Little One was to be starting on getting him caught up academically, and truly determining what his best school placement will be at this stage in his life, which is going to still be the next step in January, when we get back up north, and will be a huge project to start while house hunting and moving out from out apartment.

So, that probably puts everything else I had planned for early 2013 on hold until the Spring, at least. Which is frustrating and discouraging.

But, and this is a huge but… These things are all good things for the family in the long run.

When we are set up in a house, when we are all settled in, the family should be in the most stable place it has been in for quite some time. We will come out of this transition period much stronger than we’ve ever been. It will be very good.

It has just turned out to be a harder, more complicated process getting through from here to there than I’d expected. And more painful. We’ve had a devastating loss. Because of that, it is difficult, in the moment, to see how this is all going to be good in the long run.

So tomorrow it is Christmas, whatever that will be for mom and I this year. Watch the kids open presents on Skype. Eat dinner later with some relatives. Miss my children. Miss Mario.

Forgive me if my enthusiasm and optimism has been waning a bit the last week or so. It will be back, but this is a hard time in our lives right now.

from tag gear

from tag gazing

(more..)

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Dog Beach. Sandy River Delta. Columbia River National Scenic Area

Troutdale, Oregon. October 7, 2012. Took a quick stroll on Sunday with the big one, a friend of his, and the dog out to “Dog Beach” on the Sandy River.

from tag Bella

from tag Big

(more..)

Monday, October 8, 2012

Sandy River, September 28, 2012

Sandy River
Lewis & Clark State Recreation Area
Troutdale, Oregon
September 28, 2012

from tag Bella

from tag Big

(more..)

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Jack's Tour of Oneonta Gorge

September 8, 2012. Columbia River Gorge National Scenic Area, Oregon.

from tag Big

(more..)

A simple time in my life..

Semi-quiet Saturday afternoon. My one day a week to sleep in, and I took it, paying the price of feeling behind all day for the luxury of a really good night’s sleep. There are never quite enough hours in the day…

It’s been a long time since I posted any words on this site. Probably a good thing, it means life has been quiet and good. Boring. And boring is good.

While we are still settling into the new structures of the new school year, life has taken on a distinct pattern. Get up, feed the kids, make sure they are getting ready, drive the little one to school, work on some personal, “workish” stuff for a few hours, work on boy issues or life issues for an hour or so, pick up the little one, supervise a dog walk when the big one gets home and review his homework for the day, cook dinner, hang with the family for a little bit, go to bed and read or work on some notes and outlines for the new novel for a bit, get some sleep…

Not every day goes like that, but most do. Right now, while the boys are in school I am focusing on editing the many, many photos from the last couple months and writing some short posts for Rubble. Once a week or so, I am trying to get out for a decent walk or short hike, especially since the weather is so nice, though I hope to continue this pattern even when the rainy season finally arrives.

Next month, I’ll be switching out the photography with even more writing. I am going to take a swing at NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month, or something like that). I’ve been wanting to try this for a couple years now, but this year I actually have an idea. Not the novel I’ve been researching and developing for the last ten (or twenty plus) years, but a new story set in the same universe. A smaller story. Perfect for a 50,000 word project pounded out in a month.

That is a rather intimidating project to be looking forward to, but I am excited about it too. And this is a perfect time in my life to do something like that.

Boys

Last year, too many days were filled with the boys issues. Just taking care of them and managing their needs was a full time plus job. This summer was even busier, with all the home schooling we did.

But it looks like that work paid off well. The big one is thriving this year. He still needs some extra supervision and guidance when it comes to school, but he is doing very well. Far exceeding my expectations, in fact. It’s paying off in his grades, too. His lowest grade is 88% right now, with about three or four weeks left in the first term.

The little one’s situation is a little more complicated. He is doing very well, but he has outgrown the program he is in, and it may take quite a bit of time and effort to place him into a new program that is a better fit for him right now. It is a complicated issue. His behavior problems are pretty well resolved and he is able to function in school again, but he is so far behind that just placing him back into a 4th grade class room full time is not really an option.

If we do that, he’ll be so lost and frustrated that the behavior problems would probably re-emerge, and quickly. Dealing with frustrating situations is still a struggle for him, and while he can handle normal day to day stuff well, plunging him into a situation where he is dealing with high levels of frustration all day, every day, well… It would be a terrible situation for anyone, and a recipe for disaster for him.

Next week we are having his first placement meeting for his new, Autism Spectrum IEP, and we will start addressing these issues in detail. Hopefully we can find a solution with the school district, but if not, we may be needing to home school him for a year or two until he is really caught up enough academically to succeed at grade level in a classroom environment.

We’ll try what ever solution we work out with the district for a while, but if it is not working, we need to stop before any real damage is done and try something new. So there is quite a bit of work on the horizon ahead when it comes to the little one’s issues.

Life

Once all the issues with the boys are resolved and both boys are settled in and thriving in their school environments, then it will be time to take a look at my life and to try to put together the next phase for myself, career wise, etc. Until then, though, I am happy to have a few hours here and there to work on some portfolio projects and to lay some foundations for when that time arrives.

Earlier today I was reading a blog post from an old friend of mine who’s life is following a similar pattern right now. Getting by with just enough to work on some “bigger picture” projects… Like me, she is making a lot of sacrifices so she can move ahead in life. For me, these sacrifices are being made for my children while, for her, they are being made for her career, but in the end, the daily patterns are surprisingly similar.

Today’s post was actually inspired by what I wrote in the comments to her blog post…

Sounds about like my life right now, except substitute photography for writing and managing the boys' special needs, treatment, and education for the editing...

However, it is also a relatively drama free life for me right now, so that is nice.

Next month, though, I plan on switching it up and replacing the photography with writing. Had a bit of an idea about six months ago and NaNoWriMo looks like a good excuse to pound out a rough draft, though it is also very intimidating...

Going through a similar phase of life, I find that focusing on why I've made the choices that have led me here and what I hope to gain from these choices help keep the "wouldn't it be nice if..." demons at bay, though they still sneak in from time to time.

But life is simple, and that is nice for right now. I have everything I need, if not everything I'd like to have, and that is a blessing, too.

Life won't be like this forever, and sometimes I wish it would hurry up and get to the next "phase," whatever that might be, but then I also have to stop and remember that there will be a lot I miss about my life right now when the next phase does arrive.

Just some thoughts that get me through when I start feeling restless.

For me, from time to time, the demons that get me, generally, orbit around the lack of gear and equipment I need to really, legitimately be pursuing a career involving photography…

If I had a better camera, better software, better computer, more money to get out and about to take photos of more interesting places, more money to put together prints and portfolios and websites so I can sell some stuff and, maybe, the material for prints so I can put a show together some place…

More time is the second demon. It takes a long time to get much done when over half my time is spent taking care of the family, but they are the reason why I have time to do anything at all now, so go figure…

However, after NaNoWriMo and after we get the next round of school district meetings and placements done with the little one, I do need to sit down and take some time, to make some time, if needed (late night coffee pots), and to really start working on the next phase…

First, figuring out what is next. Then working towards it. On the “workish” front, that means probably trying some crowdfunding for some sort of photography or photojournalism project. On the real work front, that means trying to figure out what comes next for real employment, regular paycheck type of work.

Of course, if I end up home schooling, then there will be little time for any of it. But that is all in the future, and for the next month or two, I am just doing what I can with the time and money I have to work with now.

I suppose the biggest demon for me right now is the feeling that I am reaching the limit of what I can do with the resources I have right now. The next steps, in the overall life goals department, will require some money. And for that, I need a job, which will greatly limit the time I have to work on those goals, which means that, literally, it may be years before I can take my photography work to the next level and start pursuing the professional career goals I have (more in the journalism area, less in the technical writing area)…

So that leads to feelings of stagnation and sucks my motivation. Yes, I can run around and take some half way decent pictures of this and that and write some little blog posts about here and there and entertain a handful of friends. But is the time I put into all of that really worth it? It it really any different than if I was just sitting around and playing video games all day between obligations involving the boys?

It is different, though. But it can be tough to stick with everything when the rewards feel so small right now.

This is why I am really looking forward to NaNoWriMo. Writing is something I need no additional gear for. I have everything I need. And regardless if I produce a publishable manuscript or not (obviously, additional drafts will be required after November’s), this is movement towards another career goal that I don’t need thousands of dollars to pursue.

Unfortunately, as I posted on Facebook the other day, writing fiction, even if I sell my book, isn’t a lucrative career for 99% of authors, not even one that pays a living wage. Other irons need to be in the fire along with the writing, other paychecks will need to be coming in. And all of that takes time…

But, at least, adding some creative writing into the mix should help break me out of the spiritual doldrums I fear are settling in. It should get me fired up again and help me to loose the feeling that is settling in, that I am beating my skull against a wall that is much harder than my head.

And I need to breathe, relax, and remember, I chose to be in this place in my life right now and the rewards come not from success or failure in any career I am halfheatedly pursuing during my few hours of free time here and there, it comes from seeing my children healing and succeeding in their lives.

These rewards, right now, are immeasurable and amazing.

And, bottom line, as I wrote to my friend, life won't be like this forever, and sometimes I wish it would hurry up and get to the next "phase," whatever that might be, but then I also have to stop and remember that there will be a lot I miss about my life right now when the next phase does arrive.

from tag Work

from tag Little

(more..)