Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Pause when agitated…

Gresham, Oregon.  February 19, 2012.

Writing helps too.  Fair warning, this might be a bit whiney.

Monday falls on a Tuesday in our house this week, and today was a wash due to issues with the boys, tomorrow is filled with long walks to and from appointments, so Monday falls on a Thursday in my life this week.

And there is so much to be done…

Today it is issues with the big one.  Several issues.  Old behavior.  With consequences.  I will probably have to skip my meeting tonight to deal with them.  Pause, wait and see.  Too early for a final decision.

Issues with the big one leading to a good check in with the ex one today.  That part went well.  We were able to talk about a few things, her health issues, vague outlines of plans for the rest of the year as far as who will be living where and when, and some preliminary foundation laying for a big sit down talk and budget planning session Thursday morning (that will be the only calendar item for Thursday while the boys are in school).

Long story short, this is not going to be an easy year, but I already knew that.

The only times I really have to work on anything are when the boys are in school or after they go to bed.  There are just enough distractions and chores while the boys are in school that daylight hours have proven to be a fairly ineffective time for me to make much progress on the big ticket projects, like job hunting.  Unfortunately, most nights the last few weeks, by the time the boys are hitting the pillows, I am pretty much done myself. 

This weekend was tough.  My body is starting to break down from the long hours, the long walks, the lack of decent sleep, and some malnutrition.  Yes, the food budget is that tight, but better me than them.  I didn’t get much done this weekend, but I was able to spend some time with the boys and I was able to knock a couple of short and brainless personal projects out, but I didn’t accomplish anything I really needed to accomplish.

So… Well…  Next week.  But with the on going issues with the boys and the ex, after pausing and praying for a bit, I realized that I need to relax a little.  I am putting too much pressure on myself to accomplish tasks that I clearly am not able to accomplish right now.  If the needs of my family are preventing me from even looking for work right now, what the hell would happen if I actually landed a job right now?

This is not to say that I am not going to look for work.  I will keep trying.  The solution to this problem is very organic.  When I have time to get a job, I will have time to work a job.  But for the last few weeks the only time I have had available for job hunting has been late at night, and I just haven’t been up to pulling any all nighters for awhile.

This too shall pass.  One way or the other.  Either things will smooth out and I will have time to start getting this work done while the sun is up or, if I quit trying to push myself past burnout and start pacing myself a little more evenly, I will physically recover enough from the last long months to start putting a little more umph into these things, pulling a couple all nighters here and there when needed. 

But this week? It is already Tuesday and I won’t even be able to start any of this until Friday, unless I pull an all nighter.  I think I just need to let it go for now.  Let go and let God… 

I am not being lazy and I am not making excuses.  I am just working hard at the immediate tasks that need to be completed.  If I push myself too hard, into more severe physical health problems, then I stand to lose too much and that is not a risk I can take right now.

So deep breaths and just take these things one day at a time, just keep my eye on the next right step, and keep on trudging the path. 

I’ve been stressing myself out over things I have no control over.  This is a sort of future tripping that I am very susceptible to.  Not worrying about what is going to happen next month or next year, but worrying about what is going to happen later this week, or even later today.

The little one is home now.  Time to move on from this…  Once more into the breach.  I do feel a bit better now.  Breathe in, Breathe out…

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