Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Hello, 2014...
No New Years memes or themes, no long navel gazing blog posts this year... It was a good and successful year, but a hard one, a very hard one. Pretty much looking forward to continuing successes in 2014, hopefully a bit of an easier pace, and that is about it.
Monday, August 12, 2013
I'm 13 and None of My Friends Use Facebook
I've been noticing this. Offered to discuss getting an account for my son (who isn't on any networks that I know of) and he said that he didn't want one. I was relieved.
I'm 13 and None of My Friends Use Facebook:
'via Blog this'
I'm 13 and None of My Friends Use Facebook:
"Although I do have a Facebook, none of my other friends do. My friends just thought it was a waste of time. I decided to get a Facebook just to see what it was all about. I soon discovered that Facebook is useless without friends. My only friend is, like, my grandma."
'via Blog this'
Monday, March 11, 2013
Consequences v. Punishments
Saw this article and the short comment I intended to post with it on Facebook grew a bit longer than I’d initially intended, so I am throwing it up here instead…
Discipline Vs Punishment: What Outcome Do We Really Want?:
If a child creates a disturbance, bothers others, does anything for which punishment is considered a deterrent, this is evidence that, at the very least, the adult's goals have no relevance to the child's feeling at the moment. It may indicate that the child bears resentments against controlling adults, or against other people in general. Punishment can only secure conformity to goals which are neither felt nor valued by the child. The order secured by punishment or threat of punishment may satisfy the adult, but it can only teach conformity to the child, and it will almost inevitably produce resentment. Such resentment may be one of the most common and important aspects of growing up in our culture.
This is a decent article and I agree with the defined difference between "discipline" and "punishment." The article gets it mostly right but I feel it suffers some because it fails to point out that a part of teaching discipline is imposing consequences for actions in situations where natural consequences may not be obvious to the child.
Quite often, parents are stuck in a position where the adult's goals are never going to have any relevance to the child that the child can perceive, but are important nevertheless. Sometimes these are even health and safety issues, such as safe behavior in public spaces or even simple things like eating one’s vegetables at dinner.
In these cases, it is critical that the parent can provide consequences for the child that can help the child understand what behaviors are acceptable or unacceptable, safe or unsafe, healthy or unhealthy, to provide relevance to the child in situations where the child may not be able to recognize relevance at that point in their mental and emotional development.
But I agree that there is an important, but fine and fuzzy, line between consequences and punishments, and that every effort should be made to connect the consequences with the behaviors that need correcting.
Unfortunately, these are usually the very situations where the child will often have the hardest time understanding the connection. Since they may not understand why they need to change their behavior in the first place, it is hard to form a connection between the consequence and the behavior that will seem natural to them, and quite often, though we are doing our best, our imposed consequences will seem, to the child, to be the random punishments spoken against in the article.
Still, it is important that we do this when necessary. There is a reason why most kids do not live on their own until they are 18 or older. It is because they need parents to provide these boundaries and to teach them the discipline they need to survive on their own.
Of course, the key to this is to teach the child the self-discipline referred to in the article. This is the long term goal. The real difference between punishments and consequences is that the former is easy and the latter requires more effort on the part of the parent. It requires sitting down with the child and discussing what happened and why, later on when emotions have cooled, but not too much later when memories of the event in question have softened. It requires having consistent consequences for targeted behaviors, so the child knows what to expect when he or she acts in certain ways, and it requires some creativity to make the consequences as relevant as possible to the behaviors in question, to feel as natural as possible to the child.
It also requires building trust with the child from the earliest ages on, so when we, as parents, say “don’t do that” the child feel comfortable that we have good reasons for setting the boundaries and having the behavioral expectations we have for them, reducing the need to impose consequences to enforce compliance with our boundaries and expectations.
Children are children, though, not little adults, and because of this, from time to time, all else will fail and we will have to impose consequences that are essentially punishments for their actions. However, this too is a part of learning how to survive in the world.
As the kids grow up, in school the consequences for non-compliance tend to be more punitive, especially as they grow older. As they head out into the world, there are punishments for non-compliance at work, you get fired. There are punishments for non-compliance with the law, you get fined or go to jail or prison. Punishments are a part of the world we are preparing them for, and it is important that they learn this too.
As I’ve said, there will also be times when the only way to get the child to comply will be through consequences that feel more punitive in nature, and it is important that we don’t flinch when these times come. But it is critical that we lead with love and not anger, with the desire to teach more than the desire to punish. Still, from time to time, our kids will be angry with us because they will not understand, and we’ll feel guilty for not finding the magic, fabled sentence that could have redirected the situation before such consequences became necessary, and sometimes we’ll just get it plain wrong. We are humans and we make mistakes too.
It is a fine and fuzzy line, but if we keep this in mind and put in the extra effort, many more times than not it will work out exactly as it is supposed to and, eventually, the child and adult will get through these things stronger and better prepared for the next incident that comes along than we were before.
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Friday, January 4, 2013
2012 in 40 Questions: A “Meme”tastic New Year
I usually do not do this, but what the hell. I’ve been wanting to write something about the transition from one arbitrary set of days to the next arbitrary set of days, and this meme provides as good of a format as anything…
I stole the questions from a friend’s blog. Don’t know where she got them from.
2012 was a complicated year. Maybe a meme is what I need to help make sense of it.
This gets right to the meat and bones of how 2012 will go down in the books…
Families are complicated these days, and instead of having just two parents, this number can range from one to many. For me, there are four, though my mother and father both married their current spouses after I was grown, so I tend to refer to them as my parents’ husband and wife as opposed to “stepparents.”
However, I’ve been fearing the day when one of the “big four” would pass, having just buried the last of my grandparents a couple years back…
On November 8, my mother’s husband Mario passed. While he was still more of my mother’s husband than my stepfather, his passing is in the process of completely re-arranging my world.
I’ve been fearing having to make funeral arrangements for anyone, no longer... I’ve been fearing “what to do” with mom or dad when the time came when they could no longer live on their own, no longer…
A lot of firsts are wrapped up in this event.
2 Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Yes and No.
I wanted to make further strides towards becoming a “professional” photographer & writer in fields outside of Technical Writing, and life was too complicated this year to do much towards pursing this goal, other than just taking a lot of pictures. This is a goal that will continue in 2013.
This time last year my number one goal was to try to get a gallery showing (okay, some pictures on a coffeehouse or bar wall) by the end of the year. Not even close.
However, I did get two-thirds the way through draft of a novel, and that ain’t nothing. If life had gone according to plan, that draft would have been finished by January 1, 2013.
These sorts of things are more goal than resolutions, but resolutions are not something I really do. Daily resolutions are more my pace, since life in recovery is lived, in this sense, one day at a time.
3 Did anyone close to you give birth?
Since I have to pause and think before answering this question, I will say no.
4 Did anyone close to you die?
Yes.
5 What countries did you visit?
Only my own.
6 What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
The space and time to not only develop some more serious career goals but to actually have the space and time to pursue them.
7 What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 8. See many of my other answers here.
8 What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Seeing the progress my children have made towards overcoming their issues since I got custody in 2011.
9 What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to help the boys’ mother progress further towards overcoming some of her issues.
10 Did you suffer illness or injury?
Other than a pesky strained ankle that bugged me from the spring through the end of the summer until I got off my feet a bit and let it heal, no. Thank God!
11 What was the best thing you bought?
While I received some amazing gifts this year, I bought very little for myself outside of a few books about once every three months. Probably a subscription to flikr PRO would be the most rewarding and productive “purchase” of the year.
12 Whose behavior merited celebration?
My children have been remarkable this year.
13 Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The Congressional Republicans? The news media? Of course. On a more personal front, I would rather not go there. I truly believe that everyone in my life has been trying to do the best they can, though mileage has varied.
14 Where did most of your money go?
Money?
15 What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Watching my boys really come together in 2012. Specifically, the big one seeing some real, independent success in school and the little one making new friends where ever he goes.
Of course, the opportunities brought about by having reliable transportation after a nearly year of busing, biking, and walking and from the DSLR I received for my birthday/Christmas are up there too. Finding out about the Adobe Cloud (which gives me all the software I’ll need for my 2013 goals at a price even I can afford) ranks pretty highly, as well.
16 What song will always remind you of 2012?
Really, this is hard to answer right now. It will be interesting to see what songs take me back to this period of my life in the future.
Probably anything by Murder By Death, O’Death, Ha Ha Tonka, and Kelly Hogan’s I Like To Keep Myself In Pain will be taking me back to the 2011 / 2012 period years from now.
But, if I have to pick one song, “Society” by Eddie Vedder will probably be the song I associate the most with 2012. Partially because I am using it in my One Day On Earth video, so I am hearing it a lot right now, but mostly because of the lyrics.
This song reflects a lot of what I have learned about myself in 2012. A lot about how my perceptions of what I need and want from the world have changed this year. How my perceptions about where I am in life and where I am heading in life have changed over the last 12 months or so.
It is the song I used in this video.
One Day On Earth: 12.12.12 - Stills I: What I Have & What I Need from A. F. Litt on Vimeo.
17 Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
This is a difficult question. There is a lot of sorrow right now, and a lot of fear due to some major changes taking place in my life, re-defining my life, but I would say that, underneath it all, I am happier.
I am more content and I am more secure about who I am, what I am doing in life, and where I am going in life and, really, who could ask for more?
So, happier, I would say, though this is a difficult and sad time.
ii. thinner or fatter?Easy one, thinner. Though that may not be the case if I don’t start getting some more exercise soon.
iii. richer or poorer?Spiritually, I am much richer. Financially, about the same.
18 What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I had the time and energy to work more with the boys’ mother and to help her find a more content place in her own life.
And more camping and hiking. Always. But I got as much in as circumstances would allow in 2012.
19 What do you wish you'd done less of?
Staring at screens in unproductive ways. Mostly this would have been last winter. It took awhile for me to figure out what I wanted to be doing with this time in my life and spending my “free time” trying to drive up hits on my websites was not the best use of my time, though I re-oriented away from this fairly early in 2012.
20 How will you be spending Christmas?
Past tense, now. Not in any way I could have foreseen before November 8. I had hoped to spend Christmas with all of my family in California celebrating a hell of a lot of successes since my last trip down here in 2010 / 2011.
Unfortunately, aside from my geographical location, this Christmas couldn’t have been more opposite from that and it was not a pleasant day.
xMass 2012: Fair Oaks, California from A. F. Litt on Vimeo.
22 Did you fall in love in 2012?
No. Not even close.
23 How many one-night stands?
Huh?
24 What was your favorite TV program?
Firefly. It and Lost were the only two shows I took any time to watch this year and I really enjoyed both of them, though Firefly wins by a nudge. Of course, they were only new to me.
25 Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. I don’t have the time for that crap.
26 What was the best book you read?
I re-discovered Faulkner and loved every second I spent reading the Snopes Trilogy in 2012 (though I am still finishing the third novel, The Mansion).
27 What was your greatest musical discovery?
Easily Ha Ha Tonka. Never heard of them before they opened up for Murder By Death this summer.
28 What did you want and get?
Most everything I needed. Really. I am not kidding, even in a materialistic sense. I was very blessed in this way this year.
29 What did you want and not get?
Well, I still need a new external hard drive, though access to my mother’s laptop has mitigated this need temporarily. Other than that, nothing comes to mind.
30 What was your favorite film of this year?
I will say The Hobbit though I have yet to see it yet. Just the fact that it exists is enough for me.
This was not a big year for movies for me and, after the Dark Night shootings, my interest in going to the theater really evaporated. Strange, for me. Such things usually do not affect me like that. Finances were also an issue for most of the year and contributed quite a bit to this gap.
Oh, and I might have been one of the only people in the world to have given John Carter a fair shot and I enjoyed the hell out of it.
31 What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 40 and had a very nice day taking pictures and exploring the country outside of Sacramento before spending a great evening with an old friend.
I suppose I am fortunate that I got all of the turning 40 angst out of my system last year when I turned 39.
32 What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If the boys’ mother had been able to make a bit more progress towards her treatment goals.
33 How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Huh?
34 What kept you sane?
Faith. Period. Though photography and writing helped a lot. It was nice adding the writing to the mix for the first time in years.
35 Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Really?
36 What political issue stirred you the most?
Of course the presidential election had me the most fired up, but the most moving issue for me was to see that Gay Rights are becoming accepted by a majority of Americans. It is abhorrent to me to see my LGBT friends not being treated as equals in the U.S.
There is still a long way to go with these issues, but I really believe that 2012 will be seen as the year when the tide irrevocably turned on LGBT rights.
37 Who did you miss?
Mario and, while I am away helping mom through this time, my children.
38 Best new person you met?
A great community of local Portland writers in the NaNo Portland Facebook group.
In “real” life, though I did not technically meet them this year, I gained a couple of good, new friends in the faith and recovery communities and I look forward to building those friendships more in 2013.
39 Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.
It is not a lesson I learned this year, but it was re-affirmed in some powerful ways... Faith can get us through anything.
40 Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
No.
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Sunday, October 21, 2012
Asperger’s Syndrome & Parenting: A Very Positive Video
Recently I was watching some videos on Asperger’s on YouTube. There is some good stuff up there and, of course, some crap (that is the nature of the beast), but learning more about this condition and about how to help my son learn how to navigate in the world is something I try to spend some time doing from time to time.
Obviously, this is a full time process, not a time to time one, but I like to dedicate a few hours to watching and reading material about Asperger’s a couple times a month.
Sometimes I learn new things, or re-enforce some things that I already know, and at other times it is more just for my own sanity, to remind myself that these are real things and we are not all crazy. In that way, these sessions can fulfill the role of a support group, I suppose.
I’ve been meaning to start throwing up some posts covering some of the material I’ve been looking at and writing about my own experiences raising a child with Asperger’s. The other day, after seeing a video that I will discuss at another time, I found myself writing so much in the comments that I realized I pretty much had already written most of a post.
“Ah ha!”, I thought. I’ll throw these comments and videos together and I’ll have my first post.
This, however, is not that post. A few things happened between then and now.
First of all, one of the drawbacks of throwing that post up was that I’d be starting this conversation off writing about a very unpleasant aspect of life raising an “Aspie”, meltdowns.
In fact, the second reason I am delaying that post is that this is a huge and complicated topic. In fact, it is probably the one of the most challenging aspects of Asperger’s that parents have to deal with, and even that one post, I realized, was quickly growing into at least two different posts covering several different issues involving meltdowns.
But, beyond all that, I’d rather start off with a more positive topic, especially when thinking about some videos I posted on my Facebook profile a couple weeks back which made some people, I fear, walk away with a misleading view of Asperger’s, making it feel like Asperger’s was a crippling disorder leading to, or even guaranteeing, a life of severe disability and misery.
That is far from the case, especially if it is diagnosed early and the child is raised with the understanding and taught the unique skills he needs to survive in a world where he is just wired up a little bit differently.
In fact, today, I started off watching a very positive video made by a woman who has Asperger’s about the good parts of having this condition and I would like to share that video in this first post, starting things off on an upbeat note.
Before I wrap up for today, I also wanted to point out that, in these posts I hope to be making over the next few months, I am only sharing my own experience, strength, and hope. What my family has experienced with our child, and the solutions that have and have not worked, may vary. I have no training other than what I’ve learned through working with my child and his various providers. So, any thing I say, is pretty much just opinion and not fact. It should be taken as such.
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Wednesday, October 10, 2012
The World According To Jason: Treading Water in the 4th Grade – The First Four Weeks
It breaks my heart, but because of the chaos in the little one’s life a couple years back, and the time it has taken to get him stabilized after the chaos, he has started the fourth grade barely able to count or write.
Fortunately, so far this year, he is making some progress, and we are in the process of putting together a plan that will focus on getting him up to speed academically now that he is succeeding behaviorally, for the most part, at school.
As we move through this process, I am keeping track of his writing progress. I am throwing these up here not only for my own organizational needs, but also because they can be pretty entertaining.
When he gets this writing thing down, he will be very good. As it is, these little snapshots provide an interesting glimpse into Jason’s view of the world.
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Saturday, October 6, 2012
A simple time in my life..
Semi-quiet Saturday afternoon. My one day a week to sleep in, and I took it, paying the price of feeling behind all day for the luxury of a really good night’s sleep. There are never quite enough hours in the day…
It’s been a long time since I posted any words on this site. Probably a good thing, it means life has been quiet and good. Boring. And boring is good.
While we are still settling into the new structures of the new school year, life has taken on a distinct pattern. Get up, feed the kids, make sure they are getting ready, drive the little one to school, work on some personal, “workish” stuff for a few hours, work on boy issues or life issues for an hour or so, pick up the little one, supervise a dog walk when the big one gets home and review his homework for the day, cook dinner, hang with the family for a little bit, go to bed and read or work on some notes and outlines for the new novel for a bit, get some sleep…
Not every day goes like that, but most do. Right now, while the boys are in school I am focusing on editing the many, many photos from the last couple months and writing some short posts for Rubble. Once a week or so, I am trying to get out for a decent walk or short hike, especially since the weather is so nice, though I hope to continue this pattern even when the rainy season finally arrives.
Next month, I’ll be switching out the photography with even more writing. I am going to take a swing at NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month, or something like that). I’ve been wanting to try this for a couple years now, but this year I actually have an idea. Not the novel I’ve been researching and developing for the last ten (or twenty plus) years, but a new story set in the same universe. A smaller story. Perfect for a 50,000 word project pounded out in a month.
That is a rather intimidating project to be looking forward to, but I am excited about it too. And this is a perfect time in my life to do something like that.
Boys
Last year, too many days were filled with the boys issues. Just taking care of them and managing their needs was a full time plus job. This summer was even busier, with all the home schooling we did.
But it looks like that work paid off well. The big one is thriving this year. He still needs some extra supervision and guidance when it comes to school, but he is doing very well. Far exceeding my expectations, in fact. It’s paying off in his grades, too. His lowest grade is 88% right now, with about three or four weeks left in the first term.
The little one’s situation is a little more complicated. He is doing very well, but he has outgrown the program he is in, and it may take quite a bit of time and effort to place him into a new program that is a better fit for him right now. It is a complicated issue. His behavior problems are pretty well resolved and he is able to function in school again, but he is so far behind that just placing him back into a 4th grade class room full time is not really an option.
If we do that, he’ll be so lost and frustrated that the behavior problems would probably re-emerge, and quickly. Dealing with frustrating situations is still a struggle for him, and while he can handle normal day to day stuff well, plunging him into a situation where he is dealing with high levels of frustration all day, every day, well… It would be a terrible situation for anyone, and a recipe for disaster for him.
Next week we are having his first placement meeting for his new, Autism Spectrum IEP, and we will start addressing these issues in detail. Hopefully we can find a solution with the school district, but if not, we may be needing to home school him for a year or two until he is really caught up enough academically to succeed at grade level in a classroom environment.
We’ll try what ever solution we work out with the district for a while, but if it is not working, we need to stop before any real damage is done and try something new. So there is quite a bit of work on the horizon ahead when it comes to the little one’s issues.
Life
Once all the issues with the boys are resolved and both boys are settled in and thriving in their school environments, then it will be time to take a look at my life and to try to put together the next phase for myself, career wise, etc. Until then, though, I am happy to have a few hours here and there to work on some portfolio projects and to lay some foundations for when that time arrives.
Earlier today I was reading a blog post from an old friend of mine who’s life is following a similar pattern right now. Getting by with just enough to work on some “bigger picture” projects… Like me, she is making a lot of sacrifices so she can move ahead in life. For me, these sacrifices are being made for my children while, for her, they are being made for her career, but in the end, the daily patterns are surprisingly similar.
Today’s post was actually inspired by what I wrote in the comments to her blog post…
Sounds about like my life right now, except substitute photography for writing and managing the boys' special needs, treatment, and education for the editing...
However, it is also a relatively drama free life for me right now, so that is nice.
Next month, though, I plan on switching it up and replacing the photography with writing. Had a bit of an idea about six months ago and NaNoWriMo looks like a good excuse to pound out a rough draft, though it is also very intimidating...
Going through a similar phase of life, I find that focusing on why I've made the choices that have led me here and what I hope to gain from these choices help keep the "wouldn't it be nice if..." demons at bay, though they still sneak in from time to time.
But life is simple, and that is nice for right now. I have everything I need, if not everything I'd like to have, and that is a blessing, too.
Life won't be like this forever, and sometimes I wish it would hurry up and get to the next "phase," whatever that might be, but then I also have to stop and remember that there will be a lot I miss about my life right now when the next phase does arrive.
Just some thoughts that get me through when I start feeling restless.
For me, from time to time, the demons that get me, generally, orbit around the lack of gear and equipment I need to really, legitimately be pursuing a career involving photography…
If I had a better camera, better software, better computer, more money to get out and about to take photos of more interesting places, more money to put together prints and portfolios and websites so I can sell some stuff and, maybe, the material for prints so I can put a show together some place…
More time is the second demon. It takes a long time to get much done when over half my time is spent taking care of the family, but they are the reason why I have time to do anything at all now, so go figure…
However, after NaNoWriMo and after we get the next round of school district meetings and placements done with the little one, I do need to sit down and take some time, to make some time, if needed (late night coffee pots), and to really start working on the next phase…
First, figuring out what is next. Then working towards it. On the “workish” front, that means probably trying some crowdfunding for some sort of photography or photojournalism project. On the real work front, that means trying to figure out what comes next for real employment, regular paycheck type of work.
Of course, if I end up home schooling, then there will be little time for any of it. But that is all in the future, and for the next month or two, I am just doing what I can with the time and money I have to work with now.
I suppose the biggest demon for me right now is the feeling that I am reaching the limit of what I can do with the resources I have right now. The next steps, in the overall life goals department, will require some money. And for that, I need a job, which will greatly limit the time I have to work on those goals, which means that, literally, it may be years before I can take my photography work to the next level and start pursuing the professional career goals I have (more in the journalism area, less in the technical writing area)…
So that leads to feelings of stagnation and sucks my motivation. Yes, I can run around and take some half way decent pictures of this and that and write some little blog posts about here and there and entertain a handful of friends. But is the time I put into all of that really worth it? It it really any different than if I was just sitting around and playing video games all day between obligations involving the boys?
It is different, though. But it can be tough to stick with everything when the rewards feel so small right now.
This is why I am really looking forward to NaNoWriMo. Writing is something I need no additional gear for. I have everything I need. And regardless if I produce a publishable manuscript or not (obviously, additional drafts will be required after November’s), this is movement towards another career goal that I don’t need thousands of dollars to pursue.
Unfortunately, as I posted on Facebook the other day, writing fiction, even if I sell my book, isn’t a lucrative career for 99% of authors, not even one that pays a living wage. Other irons need to be in the fire along with the writing, other paychecks will need to be coming in. And all of that takes time…
But, at least, adding some creative writing into the mix should help break me out of the spiritual doldrums I fear are settling in. It should get me fired up again and help me to loose the feeling that is settling in, that I am beating my skull against a wall that is much harder than my head.
And I need to breathe, relax, and remember, I chose to be in this place in my life right now and the rewards come not from success or failure in any career I am halfheatedly pursuing during my few hours of free time here and there, it comes from seeing my children healing and succeeding in their lives.
These rewards, right now, are immeasurable and amazing.
And, bottom line, as I wrote to my friend, life won't be like this forever, and sometimes I wish it would hurry up and get to the next "phase," whatever that might be, but then I also have to stop and remember that there will be a lot I miss about my life right now when the next phase does arrive.
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Sunday, July 15, 2012
Beyblades…
Well, my youngest has moved on from Beyblades to Yu-Gi-Oh!, but this was a great article on all of these sorts of kid obsessions, from the tops to the cards…
Why Are Kids Obsessed With Beyblades? | Culture | AlterNet:
Beyblades are snub-nosed metal tops, modeled on beigoma, seashell-shaped spinning playthings that were originally invented in the 17th century, and that peaked in popularity sometime before World War II.But Japan has always had a particular genius for mining the past to build the future — something I’ve often ascribed to the dual influence of Shinto and Buddhism, both of which deeply embed the idea that things never die, merely transform and reemerge. (Spiritual recycling, if you will.) Refreshed with colorful creature graphics, snap-on accessories and a ripcord-style high-speed launcher, and paired with a seizure-inducing cartoon series that’s best described as a 22-minute commercial interrupted by 30- and 60-second commercials, the battling tops have since spawned a burgeoning consumer fan base that generated $477 million last year for its global distributor, Hasbro.
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Saturday, March 3, 2012
How to get kids to think critically: Video Parts 1 - 6
How to get kids to think critically | Bad Astronomy | Discover Magazine:
Via io9 I saw a wonderfully-done and highly engaging series of short videos teaching kids the basics of critical thinking. Each one is great, with good pacing and solid info that teenagers can use to sort fact from fiction.
Watch below or stream the entire sequence, in order, on the SE2 Playlist: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLF0CC6A5CB5710759
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Thursday, January 26, 2012
Sunday, November 20, 2011
On Parenting: The Perils of Friendly Negotiations
Originally posted on Live Journal: Suburban Eschatology Part Two (March 15, 2011 2:07 PM)
The following was written after reading an article on npr.org, “Experiencing Teen Drama Overload? Blame Biology” by Patti Neighmond.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=129150658&sc=fb&cc=fp
Really excellent article. I think the section on girls has some good information about being a mother, regardless if they have a son or a daughter (still, thank God I have boys), and I really liked the section about boys. I already see these some of these patterns emerging in my eleven year old, though he is a lot more sensitive than a lot of boys his age.
One of the real keys I've found as a parent, so far, and the first few paragraphs of the article reminded me of this, is how important it is to remember that we must be parents first, friends second. This does not mean that we cannot be friends, or friendly, but that if we focus too much on being friends, it becomes really difficult to be the parent. It can be confusing, difficult, and painful for both the parent and for the child when we have to suddenly stop being a friend and switch over into the parent role, making and enforcing rules or imposing discipline. If this foundation within the family is laid wrong, if the priorities are misaligned and healthy family roles are not established, then suddenly, when we have to act as a parent, not as a friend, it feels like a betrayal, to both parent and child, and complicates difficult situations immensely.
However, I find, when this foundation has been laid properly, we are actually able to be better friends with our kids. When we are friends before parents, when we do, inevitably, have to take on the parent role and these feelings of betrayal come into play, our set family roles are shattered and trust is destroyed. But when our roles in the family are built on healthy models, we can go back and forth between the roles of parent and friend much easier, and the trust is always there.
Also, when we are parents first and friends second, there is a level of respect between the parent and child that actually helps reduce the number of conflicts that arise between the two. When a friend tells a friend to, say, go clean his room, it seems silly and unimportant. Then we get frustrated when the child does not take our instructions seriously, and the child gets frustrated when we enforce our demands. We think, "Why do we have to tell him to do this three or four times and finally have to threaten discipline to get the kid to do anything?" Meanwhile, the kid is thinking, "What's the big deal and why is Mom or Dad suddenly making a big deal out of it?"
One thing I think about a lot regarding this issue is that relationships between friends are essentially based on negotiation, as in, "let's play the game I want to play first, then we can play the game you want to play," while in parent-child relationships, negotiation must play a lesser role, and when it comes to the child's health and safety, there is often no room for any negotiation at all. I notice that parents whose balance between friend and parent is out of whack often get very frustrated because too much of what they ask or tell their child to do ends up being some great negotiation, spanning the distance between the kid saying, "I'll do it later," through to, "I'll do it only if you…" - the big, "what's in it for me" deal. Bickering, arguing, and fighting often ensues. These stresses then go on to actually undermine the friendship between a parent and child. This is another way that, by trying to be a friend first and a parent second, we actually make it harder to be a friend to our children.
Of course, all of these things are going to happen from time to time between parents and children even if our balance is properly maintained. The issues discussed in the article and the excerpt are always going to pop up- it is all part of growing up, both as a child and as a parent. In the end, though, because of the challenges we face moving into the tween and teen years, I do believe that it is vitally important to have our family roles properly in place for when these issues arise. Every little thing we can do to smooth out these challenging years for our kids works towards keeping the tough times from becoming disastrous times.
August 17, 2010
Revised: March 15, 2011
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What is a home...
Originally posted on Live Journal: Suburban Eschatology Part Two (March 18, 8:12 PM)
Home… A home is not stuff in a place.
It is not Internet access or Cable TV.
It is not furniture.
It is not a pool or a fireplace.
It is not movies.
It is not washers and dryers.
It is trust and faith and love.
It is purity of self; mind and body.
It is security, safety and wubbies.
It is love.
Home is love.
Home is where we ask, “Are you OK?” before we ask, “Where were you?”
Home is where we feel bad for others before we feel bad for ourselves.
Home is where we run to, not where we run from.
Home is where the boys cry because they will miss their Nana, not because they do not want to be in their own house.
I first wrote and posted this in December of 2004. I reposted it in October of 2009. I think it is worth posting again now... Not a poem, just a doodle.
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Too early, too late...
Originally posted on Live Journal: Suburban Eschatology Part Two (April 15, 2011 - 10:27 AM)
Note: November 20, 2011, 6:55 PM
Been working on tweaking and changing some of the tools I use to post, and the new method makes it very easy to migrate posts from one blog to another. Eventually, I would like to move everything over here from the old LJ blog, but that is not a huge priority right now.
However, working on the system for doing that, I did want to move a few over tonight. I posted a couple on their original publication date and posted a few for tonight.
In the future, I will probably just sneak most of them in behind the current posts on their original date.
I will also be working on a couple years worth of posts that were pulled down off of Rubble when it was repurposed and never put up anywhere else, the new SE2 or the old.
It is early but it is not too early. I was up a little too late last night, though, sucked into a book, so I am not feeling bouncy and ready for the day quite yet. That is fine. I have a little time. I've already got my Picture of the Day ready to go, and the new logo I designed yesterday, pushing the limits of the lousy drawing tools I have available, is ready to go, but there is no internet this morning. So instead of working on those tasks, I have a few minutes to kill with some writing.
I strongly suspect that my lack of enthusiasm for the day comes not from the sleep I did or didn't get last night. Surely it has to do with the tasks ahead of me today.
The little one trashed his class room on Monday. Later that evening, he didn't get a toy he wanted, threw a big fit, and hit his mom. It wasn't that his mom and grandmother wasn't going to buy the toy he wanted, they were, even after his behavior at school, but they just couldn't find it. Then he threw another big fit at school on Wednesday and trashed his classroom even worse. I got a call from Jenna after he was picked up from school telling me that he was, essentially, expelled.
Tuesday we had an appointment with the boys' psychiatrist, though he is no longer the little one's. When he heard about Jason's fits on Monday, he told Jenna that she needed to start calling the crisis line when this happens, and that she needed to call the little one's new mental health provider to get his psych appointment moved up. He even called them to tell them that it was critical that they do this.
Jenna was surprised. She is so used to this behavior… Her only real comment was, "That fit wasn't even that bad."
After the events on Wednesday, the new provider moved the appointment up from mid-May to today. This is probably good, but I still do not expect much. The boy's problems do not include a lack of qualified mental health care providers. But they do include some very troubling issues at his mom's house, issues that seem far from being resolved at this point. When he is staying with me, his behavior is very different.
Today, we have this appointment. I am sure new drugs will be discussed, new scapegoats will be identified, more excuses will be made for why change is impossible and why everything is due to a misdiagnosis or two and other people's problems… I will sit and listen. I will try to clarify and correct where I can. I will try to be a part of the solution and not a part of the problem. I will pray.
Then I am taking the big one out for lunch as a reward for doing under an hour of home schooling on the computer most weekdays over the last two weeks. Then I'll be bringing the boys out here for the weekend. I won't be working on my portfolio. I won't be looking for work. I will be worrying and I will be up through most of the dark hours for the next two nights… I will pray.
It is a struggle, but I've come to accept that all I can do is provide a healthy environment for the boys on the weekends and I can pray. I can try not to add to the problem the time or two a week I am in Beaverton, but those trips are becoming rarer. I cannot afford the gas to get out there any more than the twice a week required to bring the boys out here on Fridays and to return them on Sundays. When I get back to work, it will be the same, though. I will only be available, most likely, on the weekends, so I suppose we all need to start getting used to that pattern now.
My instinct is to get the boys out of there, especially since they are not in school now. But I cannot afford to feed them full time. And I need to get back to work, so I have the resources to be doing a bit more. When I get back to work, though, if the boys are not in school they shouldn't be with me unless I can afford to put them in some private school or day care all day. Running feral at their mom's for too much of their lives has led them to this place. Letting them run feral here wouldn't help anything at all.
So my options are limited. Weekends and prayer. Working on repairing my own life so I am in a better place to receive the boys if things get even worse in Beaverton. Making sure that, even in such a limited way, that I am part of the solution and not a part of the problem.
And I can pray. I can hang onto my faith that, somehow, all of this fits into God's plan for us. I can use that faith to conquer the fear. I can redouble my efforts towards repairing my life. I can find succor in the thought that I am responsible for the effort while God is responsible for the result. And I can pray.
Note: November 20, 2011, 6:55 PM
Been working on tweaking and changing some of the tools I use to post, and the new method makes it very easy to migrate posts from one blog to another. Eventually, I would like to move everything over here from the old LJ blog, but that is not a huge priority right now.
However, working on the system for doing that, I did want to move a few over tonight. I posted a couple on their original publication date and posted a few for tonight.
In the future, I will probably just sneak most of them in behind the current posts on their original date.
I will also be working on a couple years worth of posts that were pulled down off of Rubble when it was repurposed and never put up anywhere else, the new SE2 or the old.
It is early but it is not too early. I was up a little too late last night, though, sucked into a book, so I am not feeling bouncy and ready for the day quite yet. That is fine. I have a little time. I've already got my Picture of the Day ready to go, and the new logo I designed yesterday, pushing the limits of the lousy drawing tools I have available, is ready to go, but there is no internet this morning. So instead of working on those tasks, I have a few minutes to kill with some writing.
I strongly suspect that my lack of enthusiasm for the day comes not from the sleep I did or didn't get last night. Surely it has to do with the tasks ahead of me today.
The little one trashed his class room on Monday. Later that evening, he didn't get a toy he wanted, threw a big fit, and hit his mom. It wasn't that his mom and grandmother wasn't going to buy the toy he wanted, they were, even after his behavior at school, but they just couldn't find it. Then he threw another big fit at school on Wednesday and trashed his classroom even worse. I got a call from Jenna after he was picked up from school telling me that he was, essentially, expelled.
Tuesday we had an appointment with the boys' psychiatrist, though he is no longer the little one's. When he heard about Jason's fits on Monday, he told Jenna that she needed to start calling the crisis line when this happens, and that she needed to call the little one's new mental health provider to get his psych appointment moved up. He even called them to tell them that it was critical that they do this.
Jenna was surprised. She is so used to this behavior… Her only real comment was, "That fit wasn't even that bad."
After the events on Wednesday, the new provider moved the appointment up from mid-May to today. This is probably good, but I still do not expect much. The boy's problems do not include a lack of qualified mental health care providers. But they do include some very troubling issues at his mom's house, issues that seem far from being resolved at this point. When he is staying with me, his behavior is very different.
Today, we have this appointment. I am sure new drugs will be discussed, new scapegoats will be identified, more excuses will be made for why change is impossible and why everything is due to a misdiagnosis or two and other people's problems… I will sit and listen. I will try to clarify and correct where I can. I will try to be a part of the solution and not a part of the problem. I will pray.
Then I am taking the big one out for lunch as a reward for doing under an hour of home schooling on the computer most weekdays over the last two weeks. Then I'll be bringing the boys out here for the weekend. I won't be working on my portfolio. I won't be looking for work. I will be worrying and I will be up through most of the dark hours for the next two nights… I will pray.
It is a struggle, but I've come to accept that all I can do is provide a healthy environment for the boys on the weekends and I can pray. I can try not to add to the problem the time or two a week I am in Beaverton, but those trips are becoming rarer. I cannot afford the gas to get out there any more than the twice a week required to bring the boys out here on Fridays and to return them on Sundays. When I get back to work, it will be the same, though. I will only be available, most likely, on the weekends, so I suppose we all need to start getting used to that pattern now.
My instinct is to get the boys out of there, especially since they are not in school now. But I cannot afford to feed them full time. And I need to get back to work, so I have the resources to be doing a bit more. When I get back to work, though, if the boys are not in school they shouldn't be with me unless I can afford to put them in some private school or day care all day. Running feral at their mom's for too much of their lives has led them to this place. Letting them run feral here wouldn't help anything at all.
So my options are limited. Weekends and prayer. Working on repairing my own life so I am in a better place to receive the boys if things get even worse in Beaverton. Making sure that, even in such a limited way, that I am part of the solution and not a part of the problem.
And I can pray. I can hang onto my faith that, somehow, all of this fits into God's plan for us. I can use that faith to conquer the fear. I can redouble my efforts towards repairing my life. I can find succor in the thought that I am responsible for the effort while God is responsible for the result. And I can pray.
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Home alone: 2011 is not 1983
Originally posted on Live Journal: Suburban Eschatology Part Two (April 23, 2011 -12:57 PM)
Note: November 20, 2011, 6:55 PM
Been working on tweaking and changing some of the tools I use to post, and the new method makes it very easy to migrate posts from one blog to another. Eventually, I would like to move everything over here from the old LJ blog, but that is not a huge priority right now.
However, working on the system for doing that, I did want to move a few over tonight. I posted a couple on their original publication date and posted a few for tonight.
In the future, I will probably just sneak most of them in behind the current posts on their original date.
I will also be working on a couple years worth of posts that were pulled down off of Rubble when it was repurposed and never put up anywhere else, the new SE2 or the old.
Like the author of this article, our children are eight and eleven, and this is an issue that their mother and I deal with as well. Are they old enough to be left alone? In what situations and for how long? Of course, with the unique issues my children are dealing with, it is a little more complicated, but we still struggle with the basics.
In the early 80s, I was a latch key kid from about the third grade through the middle of the fifth grade. There would be many days where I would be alone until past bed time, responsible for cooking my own dinner and putting myself to bed. At the time, it seemed pretty normal. Especially being alone for a few hours, which was the most typical, until Mom came home from work.
These days, however, this does not seem as normal, at least in our neighborhood. Plus, there are more after school programs available for single parents to fill the gap between school letting out and returning home from work, which were virtually non-existent in the early 1980s. So, it would seem that leaving my eight year old and eleven year old alone for a twenty minute store run or for an hour and a half while I run to a meeting should not feel like a big deal to me, but it does.
I live in an apartment complex, and I've never had an issue with leaving the kids while I run up to the office to deal with an issue or run to the mailbox. These little ventures could take from five to fifteen minutes. Or just going out for a smoke or two, the boys might be alone in the apartment for up to twenty minutes. But I was right there, they knew where I was, and they could walk out and get me in case of an emergency.
A couple years ago when their mother lived in the complex across the street, she'd come over for dinner sometimes and then I'd drive her home (she is disabled and the walk, especially around bedtime, was a bit much for her). These runs would take less time than a walk to the mailbox, but I would still feel that we were doing something risky and not right. Until we got used to it. Meanwhile, the boys barely noticed I was gone. So after these little jaunts were shown to be successful, I started leaving them for a few minutes if I needed to run across the street to pick up something forgotten at their mother's or even run down the block to the store for a few for a gallon of milk or whatever. These trips still didn't take any longer than a run to the mail box, but I was not where they could come get me if I was needed, so there was a fundamental difference. They were really on their own until I returned. This was a big deal to me. They, on the other hand, wouldn't have noticed I was even gone if I hadn't told them first.
Today, their mother and I are in slightly different places on this issue. Also today, the boys have some issues that do differentiate what I'd do with them versus what I'd do with "normal" children. With "normal" children, I think I'd be at the point where I'd feel comfortable leaving the kids alone, with the 11 year old nominally in charge, for up to two or three hours between meals and definitely being home before bedtime. With my kids, I might feel comfortable leaving them alone for around an hour, maybe. And probably just the 11 year old. They have some issues. Their mom will leave them alone for up to about two hours. One issue we deal with is the idea that, if the older one is too sick to be in school right now, then he is probably too sick to be a qualified babysitter, but that issue is fading a bit now that we are working on getting his education back on track. But that is a different story, and one unique to our family.
But even looking at what I would feel comfortable with if I had "normal" kids, there is a big difference between today and what my mother was doing back in 1983. What has changed? Societal standards are very different today, and we've have a lot more experience with single parents and latch key kids than we did back in 1983. This is probably responsible for a lot of this, and I know in some neighborhoods the standards are probably very different than my neighborhood. However, for me, it really comes down to personal experience.
My experiences as a latch key kid back in the 1980s are really what guides my thoughts on this issue. I think it was just too much too early back then. I think it made me grow up too fast. I remember, when I was a kid, seeing old sitcoms and what not with kids who were kids and realizing that I was not like that. I never really had that period of idyllic childhood innocence that I saw on TV. We were exposed to the grown-up world early. We were watching R rated movies from about the second or third grade on. We were sexualized early. We were left alone. Being a kid, not a parent, back in the late 1970s and early 1980s, I am not sure why this was, but I suspect that it was largely just a different approach to parenting back then than we have now, one that came out of the society of the late 1960s and 1970s when our parents came of age.
And we did grow up fast and early. We were more independent and we were not naive about sex, drugs and the world at large when we encountered it. But at what cost? We also struggled with trusting loved ones, with building healthy relationships later in life, with understanding our roles in society when we lost our independence in school and, later on, at work. With my kids I've been trying to find a balance, where they can learn about the world, about responsibility, and about independence at a slower rate, leaving them plenty of time to just be kids while preparing them for the world they are encountering when they encounter it. Due to the unique circumstances of their lives, this hasn't always been successful, but I've been doing the best I can with my parenting time.
Sometimes I look at my kids and just can't relate. Especially with the 11 year old. His life, his world view and experience, is just so different from mine at his age. At 11, I was a small adult. At 11, he is still a little kid. True, he is growing up slower than he should, again due to the unique circumstances of his life, and he is a little too far behind where his peers are at his age, but, overall, I think it is a much more healthy place for him to be than where I was at 11. Of course, not all of that was due to how often and for how long I was left alone, but I do feel that it is an indicator of how parenting approaches have changed since then, our views of what is and is not age appropriate for kids.
By the time I was nine or ten, I could cook myself a healthy meal and put myself to bed with no one else at home. My son, at 11, would melt down and freak if he had to do these things. Somehow, I think one is a bit more healthy that the other. So maybe we should be a little more comfortable with giving our kids a bit more independence these days, leaving them alone to fend for themselves, developing their own coping skills a bit more and learning that they can handle things on their own without constantly relying on Mom or Dad to solve all their problems, but, I think, they still should know that we are there for them if they need us, for a few more years, at least.
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