McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: New Hire Form Letter For the Modern American Worker.:
Our staff consists of many talented former professionals who were unfortunately laid-off without warning during the financial collapse: surgeons, engineers, educators, pilots, medical technicians. We understand that you might consider this new position somewhat of a “downgrade,” both financially and mentally; that screwing metal pieces together is “mindless labor.” But we think your skills will prove invaluable considering the number of hands accidentally severed off in our factory. Perhaps you could invent new prosthetic limbs or concoct an amazing super drug that prevents workers from ever falling asleep. Who knows? Don’t be shy. Be creative! IMPORTANT NOTE: Please know we cannot offer additional compensation for these services. You wouldn’t pay an office’s designated Fire Marshall for his or her volunteer work, would you?
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We encourage growth and career advancement through our “Spread Your Wings”™ program. Many of the upstanding gentlemen carrying whips and prodding tired laborers awake started at this company in the same position as you find yourself today. With a bit of hard work and offering turn-coat information about secretive organized revolts, you too can work your way to the top of the food chain.
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